Beefing Up Your Resume

Everyone knows that the hardest part in getting a job is scoring an interview, and the surefire path to scoring an interview is to have your dad make some calls. OOPS, we mean to have a stellar resume. But just because you haven&#39t worked a day of your life (other than tossing that extremely love-worn couch off the balcony to make room for the keg), your resume doesn&#39t have to be in 20-pt. type to fill a page.

Our resume doctor translates your hard-earned &#39life experiences&#39 into the hard-hitting, go-getting, attention-grabbing resume that will jump-start your career as the expert bull-shitter your mom had only dreamt you could be.

1. The biggie: NO EXPERIENCE
The Treatment: You can honestly say that you have never been terminated by an employer. Inexperience is where it&#39s at for most college students, but that doesn&#39t mean you haven&#39t done anything for the past four (okay, five) years. Examples:
– Slept your way through most of your classes yet still managed to graduate? Proven successful track-record in multi-tasking and recognized achievement in time-management.
– Lived from couch-to-car when your housing ran out the last semester? Eager to take advantage of last-minute travel opportunities and available for employer-sanctioned relocation.
– Watched a movie and decided you wanted to do what the lead character does? Media research and virtual experience in desired field, including informational evaluations of desired career path.

The Treatment: Even average, inconsequential experience can be transformed into &#39attributes personified&#39 and &#39knowledge gained.&#39 Examples:
– Bought crap at Goodwill and E-bayed all your possessions? Ability to create revenue and increase profit by recycling unused resources.
– Worked the graveyard shift at copy center to surf the web and do school projects all while getting paid? Willingness and dedication to devote time to advance career; exceptional time-management skills and effective use of available resources.
– That summer you went to Australia and shucked oysters at a tourist trap and got your friends a gig doing the same? International experience with customer service, employee recruitment and training

The Treatment: Your spare time is just that &#39 time to do whatever the HELL-o operator you want. But in the eyes of the unemployed, they become bonuses. Examples:
– Played online role-playing games? Extensive experience with experimental business practices and theory and with development of cutting-edge concepts to create and manage theoretical profit-generating business.
– Downloaded massive amounts of mp3s and porn from campus network? Studied cultural impact of music on current generation youth culture; extensive research aptitude in emerging technology and tracking changing online trends.
– Maintained a robust drug habit? Experience with suppliers and success at maintaining consistent inventory levels in differing demand environments and aggressive business practices; cultivated trustworthy business partnerships after extensive product evaluation.
– Donated plasma and sperm for money? Selfless time and donation to worthy causes to promote business partnership; devotion to development of first-aid resources.

Just to prove that action words and synonyms really can make a difference. Example:
– That time you and your frat buddies tossed that disgusting couch off the balcony to make room for the keg? Innovation and leadership role in collaboration of 10-person team to conceptualize and enact split-second decision-making and resource evaluation.

Sources: &#39The Dog Ate My Resume: Survival Tips for Life after College,&#39 by Zack and Larry Arnstein; &#39A Car, Some Cash, and a Place to Crash,&#39 by Rebecca M. Knight.

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