Everyone knows that the hardest part in getting a job is scoring an interview, and the surefire path to scoring an interview is to have your dad make some calls. OOPS, we mean to have a stellar resume. But just because you haven't worked a day of your life (other than tossing that extremely love-worn couch off the balcony to make room for the keg), your resume doesn't have to be in 20-pt. type to fill a page.
Our resume doctor translates your hard-earned 'life experiences' into the hard-hitting, go-getting, attention-grabbing resume that will jump-start your career as the expert bull-shitter your mom had only dreamt you could be.
1. The biggie: NO EXPERIENCE
The Treatment: You can honestly say that you have never been terminated by an employer. Inexperience is where it's at for most college students, but that doesn't mean you haven't done anything for the past four (okay, five) years. Examples:
– Slept your way through most of your classes yet still managed to graduate? Proven successful track-record in multi-tasking and recognized achievement in time-management.
– Lived from couch-to-car when your housing ran out the last semester? Eager to take advantage of last-minute travel opportunities and available for employer-sanctioned relocation.
– Watched a movie and decided you wanted to do what the lead character does? Media research and virtual experience in desired field, including informational evaluations of desired career path.
2. The norm: UN-RELATED EXPERIENCE
The Treatment: Even average, inconsequential experience can be transformed into 'attributes personified' and 'knowledge gained.' Examples:
– Bought crap at Goodwill and E-bayed all your possessions? Ability to create revenue and increase profit by recycling unused resources.
– Worked the graveyard shift at copy center to surf the web and do school projects all while getting paid? Willingness and dedication to devote time to advance career; exceptional time-management skills and effective use of available resources.
– That summer you went to Australia and shucked oysters at a tourist trap and got your friends a gig doing the same? International experience with customer service, employee recruitment and training
3. The extras: EXTRACURRICULARS and CHARITY
The Treatment: Your spare time is just that ' time to do whatever the HELL-o operator you want. But in the eyes of the unemployed, they become bonuses. Examples:
– Played online role-playing games? Extensive experience with experimental business practices and theory and with development of cutting-edge concepts to create and manage theoretical profit-generating business.
– Downloaded massive amounts of mp3s and porn from campus network? Studied cultural impact of music on current generation youth culture; extensive research aptitude in emerging technology and tracking changing online trends.
– Maintained a robust drug habit? Experience with suppliers and success at maintaining consistent inventory levels in differing demand environments and aggressive business practices; cultivated trustworthy business partnerships after extensive product evaluation.
– Donated plasma and sperm for money? Selfless time and donation to worthy causes to promote business partnership; devotion to development of first-aid resources.
4. Oh yeah: THAT COUCH THING
Just to prove that action words and synonyms really can make a difference. Example:
– That time you and your frat buddies tossed that disgusting couch off the balcony to make room for the keg? Innovation and leadership role in collaboration of 10-person team to conceptualize and enact split-second decision-making and resource evaluation.
Sources: 'The Dog Ate My Resume: Survival Tips for Life after College,' by Zack and Larry Arnstein; 'A Car, Some Cash, and a Place to Crash,' by Rebecca M. Knight.