The Rules of Lust: When You Know It’s a Go

College is amazing for many reasons: no parents, no rules, no problem with binge drinking. My favorite thing about college, however, is its own unique set of guidelines that every college student follows. These rules have nothing to do with bedtimes or chores; no, these rules have to do with pick up lines and whores. These rules tell us when it is acceptable to pick someone up, how we do it, and when we know for sure that we won’t be headed home until the following morning.

Even more, these laws that we live by tell us that an early morning stroll beer covered sweats is completely acceptable, as is asking someone to “come see my brand new…uh…slipperâ€? in my room.

One of the hardest rules for me to learn and perfect was the It’s-Gonna-Happen law. Bringing girl home was always a problem for me (beyond just finding a way to lure them into my lair of love) because there was always an excruciatingly long period of time between crossing the threshold into my home and ripping the clothes off of the other person.

I would find myself filling this silence with lines such as, “So, you like cheese?â€? or attempting flirtation with a, “These pants are getting a bit uncomfortableâ€? followed by a seductive wink maneuver.

Regardless of my (what I considered) flawless attempts, the clock would tick, and tick, and tick until one of us – usually her – would fall asleep and I finally mustered up the courage to make a move. Some would say that a sleeping girl signaled that this was a bit too late, but I like to think of it as a window of opportunity.

But I digress. Back to the laws of the land.

So, what is the rule? When do we know that the hookup is on?

Um, someone is coming home from the bar with you at 2am? Chances are they are not stopping by to look at your Bio notes or bake cookies. I am going to make a bold statement and assume that anyone following you home at that hour is more likely looking to study anatomy, or nibble on something sweet…in your bed.

So, save yourself some time and get right to it as soon as you step in the door. No small talk. No water. Just bed. Think about all the extra sleep you would get if you just eliminated the awkward “I-don’t-really-wanna-talk-about-cheese-wheelsâ€? convos and just went right to the, “My-friends-are-never-gonna-believe-thisâ€? stuff.
Trust me, your mate will thank you.

Jen’s Guide to Underage Nightlife in NYC
Jen’s Guide to Underage Nightlife in NYC