3 Common Female Sex Problems: You’re Having Orgasmless Sex

Monday 9/17 – You Just Don’t Feel Like It
Tuesday 9/18 – You’re Having Orgasmless Sex
Wednesday 9/20 – You Secretly Think Sex Is Dirty

Women’s magazines slip us the kind of information that we wouldn’t find elsewhere; they reveal a female perspective that most men just aren’t privy to. How they read into our behavior, how they perceive our actions, what their true expectations are… there’s plenty to be learned from a glimpse into the other side.

AskMen.com will be providing you with just this kind of gender intelligence – without the embarrassment that comes with retrieving it from your girlfriend’s magazine rack. We’ll be publishing a series of features from iVillage.com; articles originally written by women for women, but with insight that’s invaluable to men. Of course, in exchange, we had to offer up some intelligence of our own… all the more reason for you to get on the inside track as soon as you can.

You’re Having Orgasmless Sex

Pinpoint the problem

If you’re pre-orgasmic you’ve never had an orgasm, if you’re anorgasmic you’re able to orgasm through masturbation but not able to have one with your partner. Which one are you?

Never, ever had one?

The first thing to do is experiment with a vibrator. Almost all women can orgasm this way and you’ll have an idea of what you’re aiming for. After teaching yourself to orgasm using a vibrator (simply hold it over the clitoral area with your vaginal lips closed), it’s then a matter of training yourself to masturbate with your fingers.

Next, teach your partner how to do it and start experimenting with oral sex. The most reliable ways for women to orgasm: a vibrator, his tongue or his fingers. Add personal lubricant – a big dollop – when masturbating and you’ll notice a huge difference.

Some tips:

  • Educate yourself about your body. Buy some good, non-judgmental basic reference books, especially those that talk about masturbation and orgasms. The less educated you are about sex, the less likely you are to orgasm if you’re female.
  • Don’t stop stimulation because you’re worried you’ll pee yourself. The first few times you orgasm, it does feel a bit like you’re about to urinate. Trust me, you’re not! Stop worrying, close your eyes and try to get past the feeling.
  • Can’t orgasm even with a vibrator? There could be deep, psychological factors at play, perhaps an early traumatic experience you don’t remember but which is influencing you. Sometimes our brain will “hideâ€? information from us if it thinks it’s too painful to recall. Sounds clever – and it is to a point – but your brain isn’t the only thing that remembers; your body does too. If you feel there’s something wrong, but you’re not sure what, or if you feel generally uncomfortable about sex, arrange to see a counselor or therapist.

You can orgasm just fine solo, you just can’t do it with him?

Welcome to a very big club. Seventy-seven percent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone rather than with a partner. Even those who work up the courage to show their partner the technique that does it for them, fall at the gate. Why? Because their partner doesn’t do it for long enough and after requesting that he do it a certain way, it feels wrong to also demand he do it for longer.

But here’s a newsflash: Studies show men actually prefer to be told what to do! The reason they stop way too soon is simply because it takes much less time for him to orgasm and he assumes you’re the same.

Tell him it can take up to 20 minutes to reach orgasm and he’ll relax and settle in.

If you still can’t orgasm without a vibrator, it’s time for an introduction: “Vibrator, meet [insert the name of your partner]. [Insert the name of your partner], meet my vibrator.â€?

At first, you should hold it against your clitoris as he continues to stimulate you elsewhere: massaging breasts, kissing you, penetrating you with his fingers. Once you both know you can orgasm by using the vibrator, the pressure is off. As he gets more practiced with the technique you like, take the vibrator out of your top drawer later and later into the sex session. Let him bring you closer and closer to orgasm without it, and eventually you’ll tip over the edge without having to use it at all. If you’re worried he’ll be threatened by a vibrator doing what he can’t, suggest using a vibrating penis ring.

If you get stuck at the “almost thereâ€? point, try switching stimulation – you’ve probably desensitized yourself. Try adding something new. If you’re into anal stimulation, a well-lubricated finger delivered with sensitivity and timing could do the trick.


3 Common Female Sex Problems: You Just Don’t Feel Like It
3 Common Female Sex Problems: You Just Don’t Feel Like It
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