COED Presents: the REAL Dorm Room Essentials

Featherbeds, futons, laundry bags, white boards – you don’t need any of them.

They don’t matter; they’re inconsequential in you enjoying time away from your ‘rents house and avoiding embarrassing, CollegeHumor-worthy moments. A spiffy laundry bag from your mom isn’t going to help you through college, let alone getting laid…but these following necessities may.

Your sisters/cousins/friends t-shirt, sweatshirt, etc.

While it’s oh-so-cute to have a girl you bagged the night before decked out in your XL Boston Bruins jersey, know that her outlook may slightly differ than yours. The “Walk of Shame” for her could be either walking home in last night’s outfit or floating around campus in your oversized, off-putting wears – maybe even both. Fix that quick.

It’s not a bad idea to keep a universally-accepted (read: one color, no logo) t-shirt or sweatshirt handy; just say it’s your sisters or cousins or roommates’ sisters’ shirt – whatever makes sense. Of course, only bust out the default “morning after” outfit if she’s worthy. If she’s not worthy (read: she didn’t even give you a HJ) let her walk the plank all by her lonesome.

A stable of quality-by-all-accounts music

Now, I’m glad you’re “all about” Jack Johnson, but that may not fit the bill when facing an in-the-know music lover. You gotta be well-rounded while maintaining a certain appeal that’s universal.

While years of Thom Yorke’s moaning have deterred me from Radiohead personally, I also know they’re one of the few groups most college-types can agree with. Keep it simple: snatch some Tribe Called Quest, Velvet Underground, Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd, New Order, The Smiths and voila – instant music credibility. Just be sure when you cue up The Smiths it isn’t followed up by the Spin Doctors, for you will be in for a boatload of embarrassment.

Two separate log-ins to your computer

Face it: you’re a sick bastard that’s really into smut. It happens. But what happens when your roommate or lady friend stumbles onto your personal collection of Hungarian fisting porno links bookmarked in some nondescript-yet-obviously-nondescript-for-a-reason folder? It’s gonna be high school all over again, Spanky McGrossout.

All you gotta do is create two log-ins on your computer. It doesn’t matter what you tell people – tell them your “other” log-in is for…who cares? It’s not theirs. They can assume all they want, but assumption is far better than exposing your nastiness, sicko.

“Women” by Charles Bukowski

You don’t even need to read Bukowski’s classic (you should though – it’s one of the most honest pieces of literature ever written), but do leaf through it at the very least.

Contrary to the title, “Women” is not some self-help bullshit that turns up every month from depressed men in their 40s; it’s as raw and uncompromising as a book can be, all the while looking impressive in your short stack of personal reads. Avoid Oprah fodder like Mitch Albom at all costs; you’ll be stripped of any intelligence from the get go.

William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet (Special Edition) (1996)

It’s crucial to keep a stack of chick-flick DVDs that aren’t super-gay on hand. Baz Luhrmann’s update of Shakespeare’s best-known work fits the bill because it’s light on the romance and heavy on the thrills (for the most part). Now that Knocked Up is on DVD, consider it a fantastic fit as well.

I personally would suggest going with any movie fitting that description – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, High Fidelity and The Virgin Suicides to name a few – but steer clear of heavy romantic dramas like The Notebook. The only secretion it will bring is from eye-ducts, not the wang.

Nintendo Wii

I know, I know – is dropping $250 on a Wii really a necessity for college? If you can afford it, YES.

See, the PS3 and Xbox 360 are both a bit pricey and steeped in geekdom; the Wii is more affordable and much less intimidating for the casual gamer. Non-gamer girls? It’s a no-brainer: Nintendo’s motion-sensored marvel has a library full of casual, left-of-center games like WarioWare and Trauma Center. Plus, it’s all about manhandling a control – you do the math, son.

The Daily Shocker: Tase Her
The Daily Shocker: Tase Her