Sex Drive Killer: Babysitting

Sex is a wonderful thing. I don’t need to tell you that. Spontaneous sex is even better; more excitement, more danger and none of that boring planning that goes into the regular stuff (like getting a condom).

But after my experiences this past week, spontaneous (and maybe even super safe) sex is totally. Out. Of the question.

I spent my entire last weekend watching three children. Six-year-old twins and a potty-training three-year-old. And it only took me a total of 4 minutes to realize just how unready I am for child rearing.

Somewhere between the mini van and the screaming and the multiple trips to McDonalds (which somehow all ended in tears and ketchup all over my brand new jeans), I learned just how horrible the idea of getting pregnant could be. And for those of you out there who continue to have unprotected sex, STDs are not the thing to fear – this is:

1. No Showers: There is just no time. And if you manage to find 5 minutes in the day to leave the kids by themselves, you will most likely come out to find mass destruction, a child crying or both.

2. No Privacy: Try taking a minute to pee. Most likely, a small child will make their way into the bathroom and ask you questions about your private parts, what you are doing or if they can have an Oreo cookie. You tell them to leave so you can finish and get the cookie. They throw a temper tantrum forcing you to finish your business with them crying at your feet.

3. No Sleep: Babies wake up many times during the night. Little kids don’t nap anymore. And they wake up at 7. And they are hungry. And they want to play. And they want to go outside. And they want to jump on the bed. Etc…

4. No Friends: This is a given. No one wants a friend with a kid. Going to the bar just isn’t the same when your boobs are leaking milk all over the front of your low-cut tank.

5. No Exercise: Unless you count running the potty trainee to the bathroom once she has started leaking.

6. No Sex: Seriously, who would want to have more sex if it is what got you there in the first place?

And if all that wasn’t bad enough, I saw Knocked Up last night. And while it was a hilarious movie, watching it immediately post baby sitting nightmare was not good for my sex life. Nothing says “I don’t want to have sex” like watching a baby get shoved out of Katherine Heigl’s va-jay-jay. Like really watching. Up close and personal. Ewwwww.

I am officially a believer in the old saying, “Abstinence is the safest form of sex.” Amen, brother.

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