Thanksgiving is literally right around the corner – and you know what that means! Awkward family dinners where everyone asks you prying questions about your college career! Yay!
Sure, you want to answer Grandma with the truth: “I get drunk every night by 9PM, by 2:30AM I’m high off 3 bong rips and by sunrise I usually have sex three times with the overweight alcoholic girl down the hall.” Your poor Grandma would go into cardiac arrest if you said all of that, so you stick with the fail-safe, “College is great! I’m learning a lot!”
The only problem is when the alcohol gets flowing things can slip. Bringing up your promiscuous sexual history might be a shocker at first, but don’t forget that it’s your family after all – time will heal the wounds. But be warned: if you say anything from the list below and you might need to start looking for a new last name.
We met on Adult Friend Finder.
We met at a NAMBLA mixer.
We met in the lower-level Port Authority restrooms.
You all know that turkey is 17 percent rat meat, right?
This is Tony. He/She is my new life partner.
Darfur totally had it coming.
Roasting the turkey should kill off any herpetic virus obtained during preparation, right?
Turn up the TV—the sound of John Madden’s voice totally gets me off.
Just a little cranberry sauce for me. I totally overdid it on the meth this morning.
Remember Jason Biggs and that apple pie in American Pie? Well, it also works with turkey.
I hope no one minds that I invited Ian Ziering.
Man, I completely roasted my glutes today at the gym—feel.
This reminds me of that Brady Bunch Thanksgiving episode, except without all the love.
Our real father would let us stay up late. Actually, he wouldn’t—he’s kind of an asshole, too.
I’m still in the development phase, but it’s sort of like Home For the Holidays meets Intergenerational Gangbangers #13.
This is so much lamer than my Second Life Thanksgiving.
Visit “50 things not to say at the Thanksgiving table” for many more racist, offensive and hilarious things to avoid letting slip on Turkey Day.