Top Five Signs You Brought Home the Wrong Girl

Since every woman will hide the suckiest sides of her personality, until she has you trapped, here’s who to look out for, before reaching the point of no return.

1. Out of Your League: If the whole night you’re thinking “I can’t believe this girl’s into me! She so F**king hot!” there’s probably reason to run–chances are you’re not that charming.

While getting an Adriana Lima lookalike in your bed is definitely high-fiveable, only two outcomes are likely: She’s a loose cannon, leaving you stuck, post-coital, talking about her bulimia and bi-polar disorder – and you get crabs. Or, her hotness puts a spell on you and you fall in love with her, get married, and only realize that she’s a complete nut-house after the honeymoon. Either way, you lose.

2. Leaves Her Stuff: As one of the oldest tricks in the book, insecure girls will leave something of theirs at your place, hoping to force you into seeing them again. So look out for any “forgotten” articles of clothing or jewelry. Girls that pull this stunt only bring jealousy, headaches and heartbreak. If she calls you asking for her stuff, agree to meet her at a public place, to avoid being trapped by her womanly wiles, a second time.

True, some perfectly fine girls can honestly forget things at your place. But if she calls sounding more interested in making plans than getting her stuff, it’s time to jump ship.

3. Blah, Blah, Blah: This one can be difficult. Since even cool girls enjoy a little chit-chat before jumping in the sack, ruling out a chick just because she has a lot to say will leave you alone and sexless. But if all she talks about is Jimmy Choos (I’m told they’re a type of shoe) and mascara, it’s a good sign she’s self-centered and high maintenance.

Girls with these attributes may be alright for a one-night fling. But any longer than that, and she’ll have you broke and talking on the phone for three hours a night while you search your room for a way to off yourself.

4. Proud to be a Stripper: Don’t get me wrong, no woman should be ashamed to be a stripper. Some of my best friends are strippers (really). Not everybody can flip upside down and bump their ass in perfect rhythm to “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” especially in front of a room full of strangers. And goddamnit, I appreciate their bravery.

If a girl tells you she’s a stripper within the first five minutes of meeting her, and you’re not in a strip-club, there’s a reason she wants you to know that. And it’s probably because she wants all your money. And last time I checked, that’s prostitution – also bad, because you’re probably broke.

5. Partying Alone: Girls don’t go to bars alone. Girls don’t even go to the bathroom alone. I know it seems tempting because there’s no cock-blocking friends to contend with. But there is a good reason nobody else wants to be around her. That reason could be that she is just too busy playing Guitar Hero to have friends. Or, it could be because she slaughtered them all back in Tuscaloosa, and has just gotten back the nerve to kill. You never know.

If she’s too fly to pass-up, take her to a hotel. But no matter what you do, don’t let her find out where you live. Unless she just moved to town, in which case, wtf are you waiting for?

The Bottle: Laphroaig Quarter Cask Single Malt Scotch
The Bottle: Laphroaig Quarter Cask Single Malt Scotch
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