My Life Is Exactly Like Moby’s Life

In a recent interview with CNN, Moby described the inspiration for his new album, Last Night, as “a sort of crazy eight-hour night in my neighborhood in the Lower East Side… It’s just me trying to re-create what it’s like to go out in my neighborhood and stay out too late and get into trouble.”

Now, I live in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, widely regarded as one of the least cool areas of New York City. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t hang at the hippest spots in the city.

Just looking at Last Night‘s track list, I can totally see a crazy, eight-hour night out from my own life like the one Moby is referring to:

1. Ooh Yeah – This track is about arriving in the Lower East Side after 49 minutes on the 6 train and losing the buzz from the six warm Miller Genuine Drafts from Duane Reade that I drank in my apartment. The “Ooh Yeah” is me remembering how little fun I actually had last time I came down here and that I said I would never ever again come back to this place ever again because “it is lame and the bars by me have the exact same beer anyway.” But this time will probably be better.

2. I Love To Move In Here – Is about fighting my way to the bar to get a drink, and after twenty minutes being told we’re gonna leave to meet my buddy’s friend “Hamster” from college at a “cooler’ bar down the street. I can’t decided if I’m mad that I just waited all that time to get a drink from the Sid Vicious-wannabe bartender and am leaving empty handed or if I’m happy to no longer be thrust up against bearded hipsters who claim they don’t own DVD players.

3. – This is actually my ATM pin number. Not sure how Moby got it, but that’s neither here or there…speaking of PIN numbers, why the hell are there no Bank of America’s on the Lower East Side? Do these people not bank? Now I’m forced to pay a $3.00 fee to take money out of this machine sitting outside a fruit stand?!

4. Everyday It’s 1989 – While at first I thought this referred to the bar’s DJ ironically playing songs like “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul and anything by Tears for Fears, I realized it’s that two imported beers just cost me $19.89. No drink specials down here. Really? Is saving money too mainstream?

5. Live For Tomorrow – I’m so bored at this bar that all I’m thinking about is the bagel I’m gonna eat tomorrow morning. Man, I should go home now so I can sleep, live tomorrow and eat that bagel.

6. Alice – The girl with dyed pink hair I attempted briefly to converse with by the bathroom until she saw my hooded sweatshirt had a tag from the GAP

7. Hyenas – Alice’s friends laughing at my GAP hooded sweatshirt. I’m sorry, but they don’t have American Apparel by me.

8. I’m In Love – Alice apologized for laughing at me. When I get out of the bathroom, I’m gonna ask her if she wants to see an independent movie with me.

9. Disco Lies – Turns out Alice is a lesbian. Gee, what were the odds of that one. I was actually going to make her watch “Transformers” anyway.

10. The Stars – Two stars, to be precise: that’s the number Zagat rated this Kebab place back in 1998. Apparently they haven’t been back since. I envy them, and hope they have plenty of room for that delicious bagel tomorrow.

11. Degenerates – The dirty, artist types that now surround me at this latest bar could be described as degenerates, but that doesn’t explain how they can afford $4000 a month in rent down here.

12. Sweet Apocalypse – is what I wish on Hamster for dragging us to yet another stupid, pretentious. Dude, you were friends with this kid in college? He is such a faux-hipster dick. I get it, you don’t own an iPod and buy all your music from a bin of tapes at a flea market. I happen to like Bruce Springsteen’s new album, ok? I might vote for McCain just to tell you I did and piss you off.

13. Mothers Of The Night – The hot women I see walking home with other dudes as I try to find a cab. Where the hell were these girls all night? Did Hamster purposefully take us to every bar in the Lower East Side that was devoid of all girls but a hair-dyed lesbian you hates me because I own khakis and thought Superbad was funny? Mother f@#$%er!

14. Last Night – I swear this is the last night that I am ever coming to the Lower East Side. This is place is dirty and yet everything is overpriced and I am pretty sure everyone down here is paid to make you feel stupid like they are employees of some kind of messed up demoralizing theme park. Oh yeah, and the bars by me have the exact same beer anyway.

Sound Check: Erykah Badu – New Amerykah, Pt. 1: 4th World War (2008)
Sound Check: Erykah Badu – New Amerykah, Pt. 1: 4th World War (2008)
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