COED’s Guide To The Girls of Summer

Are the seats sticking to your legs? Having to “adjust yourself” every three seconds because your board shorts have the ventilation capacity of a Ziplock freezer bag? Gentlemen the summer is upon us, and the same season that produces sweat stains and shaved chests for you, is the same one that brings out the best girls in life; The Girls of Summer.

These girls are the reason you stick it out through the sweater and Ugg boots months, just waiting for short dresses and bikinis to come pushing up through the earth like daises or your yard’s groundhog problem. They come in all shapes and sizes (skinny preferred), with different personalities and, well, assets. So how do you know who is who and just how to woo them? Read on and take notes…

Check out COED’s Guide To The Girls of Summer after the jump!

The Heather

She’s so trendy the trend isn’t even a trend yet–it’s like playing Sega Genesis when everyone was playing Duck Hunt. Her shoes are hot in Serbia, her dress is hot in France, and she’s hot in your brain. She knows she’s a knockout as she struts her stuff into Starbucks and then off to learn Kabbalah while sporting sun glasses that double as a motorcycle helmet.

Woo her with celebrity gossip and a borderline gay knowledge of fashion designer’s names.

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The Illusionist

She’s got you ball-parking her age at anywhere between 14 and 32. You’d like to say she’s hot, but you don’t want to end up on your local law enforcement’s “to watch” list. Sh*t, that actress in “Up In The Air” looked like she was 12. That 16 year old girl who married the 51 year old actor looks like she’s 30. So…

THE APPROACH: FIRST AND FOREMOST… CHECK HER ID. REALLY CHECK IT. WE’RE TALKING UNDER A BLACK-LIGHT, FIND THE HOLOGRAM AND VERIFY WITH 5 CHARACTER WITNESSES. Hell, we know a guy who went to high school with a chick who looked like she was 40 her freshman year. You know what they say, if you have to think about it…

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The Walk of Shamer

She’s the girl you see on the sidewalk as you drive by early one morning on your way to the beach. She looks like she’s dressed like a model that’s on her way to Denny’s, a bedazzled dress and a Grand Slam breakfast, but the truth is you’re witnessing last night’s version 2.0 of her. You see she’s on her way home putting the snapshots of the night before together in her head and wondering if anyone notices her hair looks like a dog dried itself off after a bath up there.

Woo her with Advil and a garden hose with the ‘power wash’ setting on.

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The Beach Girl

She’s reading Cosmo with a bottle of water and enough tanning oil to make gas prices drop 30 cents. She’s been laying out 10 yards from your set-up for five hours, never once going in the water, a phenomenon you can’t understand because it’s so hot you just spend the last half hour sitting in the surf seeing how much sand will go up your shorts. You can’t talk to her because she hasn’t opened her eyes since you’ve been here and her iPod is so loud you can hear that John Mayer live album from here.

Woo her with magazines and Fiji water unless she saw the way you tip toed into the water for 30 minutes periodically back and forth and making the ‘ooo its cold’ face. Then you’ve got no chance.

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The Latina

Aye papi, is that 1999 J-Lo walking down the street? Is this a Trick Daddy video? My goodness she is one hot mamacita. She’s the girl that makes you think that Daddy Yankee had the right idea. She’s usually shaped in some hourglass form and walking down the street in a tube top contraption that makes you wonder how things are being held into place. For fun you could put drinks on her ass as she walks by just to see how far she could go without spilling them/ noticing they’re there. I think I’ve watched too many rap videos.

Woo her with cherry blow pops and loose fitted clothing.

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The Hippie Chick

She’s a rare bread–a girl who looks like she doesn’t shower every day/week yet still looks hot. If you’re a percentages man, and I think you are, there’s like a 98.5% chance hippie girl isn’t hot. If you do find one though, she’ll be in the folk music section of Borders, holding books about candle making and sipping on a Chai latte. She might be rocking low cut jeans, a hat operation of some sort, and a hemp necklace. She has black rimmed glasses. You like black rimmed glasses.

Woo her with meditation techniques and the Communist Manifesto.

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The Lifeguard

She’s responsible for your life, but the way she looks has got you paying attention to her twirling a whistle and not the dangerous rip tide pulling you out 3 miles. You go in the water just to turn your back on the waves crashing down on you and stare at her in her solid color lifeguard bathing suit. Of course this leaves you constantly getting pummeled in the water and feeling as awkward as when you try and sing the second verse of Lil Wayne’s Lollipop (look it up).

Woo her with sun tan lotion and what Squints did in The Sandlot to Wendy Peffercorn.

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The Convertible Jetta Girl

Also known as Convertible PT Cruiser girl and artist formerly known as Convertible Mazda Miata girl, she’s the girl in the sun glasses and flowing hair most likely on the way to becoming The Beach Girl. She’ll usually have friends with her too, and stopping at a red light they’ll probably be blasting Jason Mraz and yelling about how much of a bitch friend-not-there is over the tunes. Be careful, for she can double as The Illusionist.

Woo her with iTunes gift cards and Gwen Stefani tickets.

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The Broad From Abroad

She’s so elusive, mainly because she doesn’t speak good English. She’s got that European/Brazilian/She’s not from around here hotness going on. You can usually tell by gravity defying bikinis, yelling in another language, and high cheek bones (don’t ask me why). She’s the reason you want to visit Rio de Janeiro, Milan, and Madrid- in the same week. She’s the reason you bought a pocket language dictionary to figure out how to say ‘nude beach’ in her language.

Woo her with hand held American flags and US dollars she can take back to her country and wallpaper her home with.

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The Bartender

She’s the girl who’s been serving you all night and watching as your “Jager Bomb please” order has evolved in “Hhhhagaer Fomb pwease”. She’ll have a low cut ensemble, just hot enough to make you never complain if it takes her 40 minutes to get you a drink because her ex-boyfriend is whispering sweet douchbagery into her ear.

Woo her with purchasing enough shots for the both of you for her to disregard any other customer.

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The Indie Chick

With an a cool combination of style and a “f**k-off” attitude, The Indie Chick is a rare breed. Not because there are a lack of indie chicks, as they’ll usually be found in any retro coffee shop brooding over poetry and purple hair dye, but because the style is transitory–by next year, she’ll be into something completely different. Truly the Holy Grail of The Girls of Summer, The Indie Chick will almost be undoubtedly more than you can handle, as she’ll preach anarchy to you in between complaining about how her father would never hug her as a child.

Woo her with spike necklaces and industrial vats of face makeup to hide the tan she’s got this season.

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The Executive

The Office Girl makes corporate America look like Deal or No Deal. This summer she’s out for her lunch break, walking in heels so high she should have American flag pants on and passing out flyers to Bob’s Discount Tire. With a skirt so short and a shirt (I feel awkward using the word blouse) so low she will easily “climb” her way to the top.

Woo her with a Prada phone and your own 401k.

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The Yoga Girl

Any major metropolitan city has her; in touch with her inner-soul and decked out in spandex pants so tight she has to shave them in the shower. She’ll be the girl you can’t date because she’s booked with Yoga and dance meditation classes 40 hours a week as she learns about why she is the way she is and why you aren’t the way she wants you to be.

Woo her with lotus flowers and The Karate Kid II on DVD.

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She wears Daisy Dukes and remembers watching her on TV. She has a low cut tank top on and remembers the Carter administration. She’s in the produce aisle checking the ripeness of this season’s peaches while you’re thinking you’d really like to shake her tree. She’s a MILF, no explanation needed, just use your imagination.

Woo her with the Food Network, grape cosmos, and Joni Mitchell albums.

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The Last Resort

She’s the girl you latch on to around 3:30am as your friends decide which McDonalds to go to after a long night of heavy drinking. With the tolerance of a new born baby and the stature of a Dogwood tree you’re easily scanning over her head if there’s any other viable option to accompany you on this glorious evening. There isn’t, and as the moonlight softly reflects off her upper lip fur you grab a hold of her muffin top and go confidently into the night.

Woo her with nothing, nothing at all.

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Use this guide the next time you venture away from your computer into the summer heat. The Girls of Summer come only once a year, and you’ll have to strike while the weather is hot, until it’s back to hoodie’s and sweatpants. At least then you won’t regret your leather seats anymore.

13 thoughts on “COED’s Guide To The Girls of Summer”

  1. I'm partial to the milf, they generaly don't play games and you usually have the best chance of sleeping with them on day one.

  2. Had 'em all–except that I missed the MILF somewhere along the way. Hoping to fix that so long as the girlfriend doesn't notice. Then I'll be 100% on the LIST.

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