5 Things to Avoid Telling Your Parents

One of the joys of maturing into responsible adults is the new, more equal relationship we can establish with our parents. It’s cool to be able to grab a brewski at family barbecues (double-y cool because you didn’t have to pay for it), usually leading to an awesome opportunity to sit around and gab with the fam about your hilarious exploits away at school.

This table time can often result in blackmail-worthy anecdotes about your Mom’s coed days from Uncle Bill. Unfortunately, it can also result in HORRIBLE AWKWARDNESS should you overshare and let slip any of the following (I know, I thought they’d be cool with it too):

1) That time you got so drunk at the club that you passed out in the bathroom.
Also not good to share: the fact that your equally wasted friends did not notice your sudden absence, and were alerted to your condition only when the cleaning staff found you at 6 am. This story, while earning you street cred amongst your fellow college lushes (I think it’s hilarious, obv), will not go over well with Mom for various reasons. 1) Contrary to her own experiences in college, she would like to believe that you–her responsible and intelligent son– would never participate in such tomfoolery. 2) She ain’t sending you to school to get drunk.

Best to skip this little tale and save it for a more appropriate time: boasting during “This one time, I was so drunk…” circles.

2) The time your random roommate had their (um, and your) apartment raided by the DEA.
A stretch, I know, but I’ve heard stranger. Basically any drug-related incident that you were (unfairly) implicated in, and later had your good name cleared from does not need to be shared with Mom & Dad. You obviously handled the situation, and your parents do not need the added stress of constantly fearing for your safety from drug dealers. Plus, I mean, what are the odds of that happening twice? But, you know– if it does–then you should probably tell them. And, also, avoid rooming blind.

3) Any minute details of your sex life.
In fact, pretend you don’t have a sex life. Do they know you’re probably not sitting in your room knitting on Friday nights? Yes. Do they want to be informed that you are, quite commonly, grinding with a drunk skank or how sloppy it was when you took her back to your room? Um, no. All they need to know is that you’re responsible about your “activities,” you have a clean bill of health, and they have no impending grandchildren.

4) That you didn’t earn those fab grades with perfect attendance.
If you are one of those chosen few who attends class for first day attendance, paper due dates and the final exam in exclusivity yet still pulls an A – good for you (I hate you!). JK, you’re not that bad, just lucky. Anyhoo, though, your parents don’t want to know that you are the one hit wonder of attendance, and that you spent most lectures doing more productive things with your time. They’re happy with the end result (your kick ass GPA), but by no means do they need to be enlightened that your tuition covers an average 5 days of class. Keep up the good(?) work, but keep your lips sealed.

5) AN.Y.THING. that happened on Spring Break.
What to tell them: Where you’re going, where you’re staying, emergency contact numbers, and when you’ll be home. That’s it. For me, this is a given as I pay for my own spring break adventures and my mom simply pretends the week itself does not exist. But seriously, even if your parents “really do want to know how your spring break was, just curious!” DO. NOT. TELL. THEM. Describe the beautiful landscape, the quaint shopping, the exorbitant cost of “bottled water”. Just don’t tell them what you did, who you did, or where you did it. Capiche? What happens on Spring Break…will get dragged up during future references to your faults should you ever tell your parents what really went down.

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