The COED Answer Mime Takes Your Questions…

Here at COED Magazine, we receive enormous amounts of fan mail every day. Some of it just says how awesome we are, while other letters beg for our help. We may not have all the answers, but we definitely have most of them, so listen up and you might learn a thing or two. The following are answers to a few common questions we have received in the past.

“We got a stripper at our frat tonight, and she accidentally got hit over the head with a tequila bottle. Now she’s unconscious on the floor. What should we do?” – Bruce, ASU

The first thing to do is take back all of those singles that you put in her G-string. She promised you an hour, and if she’s just lying there on the floor then she didn’t deliver.

After you’ve got your refund, wrap some gauze around the wound, and then make sure to wipe her finger prints off anything she’s touched, because we’ve all seen CSI. Carry her to the nearest bus stop and prop her up on the bench. Put a sign on her that says “Bring me home”. A nice homeless man will definitely come by and help her to her place of residence.

“I’m going to cheat on my test tomorrow. If I get caught during the test, what’s the best way to talk my way out of it?” – Willy, Iowa

Your professor wants you to do well, so if you get caught, turn it around: “I just didn’t want to disappoint you”, you should say as you’re spitting on your hand and wiping the answers off your palm. Your professor will be proud of you for taking the initiative, and if he’s not, then he’s not a real American. College is about getting by, and if he tries to hinder the process then say you have diabetes and fake a seizure. He’ll feel really guilty and then you’ll have another week to study for the test.

“I told this girl that I wore a condom, but she just called me and told me that she’s pregnant. What should I do?” – Hank, West Virginia

Run to Blockbuster and rent the Karate Kid. Study the moves and then have her over for dinner. When she’s taking her last bite of dessert, unleash all the kicks you’ve learned. Make sure to aim them at her stomach, and don’t stop until you hear an infant’s crying fade into a stomach growl. An abortion is like $600 dollars, and you don’t have that kind of money, so be like Tim the Tool Man Taylor and fix it yourself.

“I’m low on cash, but I don’t want to get a job. What can I do to earn some money?” – Russell, NYU

Well, the obvious answer is sell drugs. Set up shop on playgrounds or at high schools because young kids are easier to manipulate and more likely have their parent’s money to spend on your product. Start with weed and work your way up to crack and meth. After a few weeks you’ll have plenty of disposable income. But if you don’t wanna take this route, then you can always donate your sperm. Go down to the local cryobank and see if you’re qualified to donate some knuckle children. If you are then you can make up to $1200 dollars a month if you donate three times a week. You jerk off anyway, so why not turn all that hard work into cash. If you’re a girl, then donate your womb to a needy couple. Remember, it’s uter-US, not uter-you.

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  1. Pingback: COED MagazineBrooklyn Decker and The Week That Was…Nov 8th-Nov 16th «

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