Tips on Being a Bouncer

So let’s say your favorite movie is the Patrick Swayze vehicle,  Road House. It’s moved you so much that you now want to emulate zen-bouncer Dalton in real life and instill order at your favorite roughneck hot-spot. Well, I have been a bouncer. So here are some premiere bouncing tips.

1. Wear a tuxedo shirt and black bow tie, which would create a dichotomy that says I’m sophisticated enough to open a bottle of wine………. then beat you to death with it afterward…so don’t cause any trouble.

2. Stand in front of a velvet rope and memorize key phrases like:




For added effect, I’d throw in, “DON’T TOY WITH ME, I’M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD!”

3. The backbone to bouncing is checking IDs. Sure, it’s reading just a bunch of numbers off a plastic card. That’s why you should make a huge production out it.

Pull out a flashlight and hold it over my head, giving the impression you’ve been trained in special flashlight use not available to the general public.

No matter how old the patron looks, do the following:

-Look at the ID.

-Then look at the face.

-Then look at the ID.

-Then look at the face.

-Once more the ID.

-Then the face.

-Again the face.

-Again the ID.

I’d be sure to randomly ask someone to repeat their home address. I’d ask them a second time, using the opportunity to yell “DON’T TOY WITH ME, I’M JUST-NOT-IN-THE-MOOD!”

4. Above all, I’d have lots of ATTITUDE! Make anyone who wants to get in the club feel slightly humiliated, and teach them they must work hard for the fun that lies ahead. This will mask that deep down inside you’re a scared, little girl. Cuz after all, that’s just part of the job description, when you’re a nightclub bouncer!

(Image: SLC Images on Flickr)

4 thoughts on “Tips on Being a Bouncer”

  1. I bounced for three years as a second job and I can tell you that checking ID’s was a great way to tell who was going to be a problem before they even entered. If they thought they were to good to show me an ID and gave me shit then I would give them a real shitty, calm and confident “You’ll get over it.” If they kept it up I sent them packing before entering my bar. Ususally got the most attitude from those who were 21-25. like they didn’t look young or something.

    A word of advice to everybody. Don’t treat the bouncer like he is just a big monkey who can’t tie his own shoes. One! he is probably bigger and more sober than you and will handle you in not to pleasant ways. Two! Most bouncers I worked with were military, fireman, cops, or athletes who were just trying to earn a few extra bucks to pay off school or take care of a family issue. They don’t need to hear a 22 yr old who sells car stereos or that just finished shcool tell them that they are nothing when they are on their 80th hour of work that week.

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  3. I started bouncing when a guy came into our Judo School (dojo if you're all strict) and hooked a few of us up with jobs at some new club. He also recruited a few guys that didn't make the NFL but were just out of college. It was one of the safest clubs in LA!

  4. Amen.

    I just want to keep my people safe and happy, make my bar some money, go home and buy groceries tomorrow. I'm not gonna be Mr. Tough Guy if you're cool with me and know your limits! If you're out of line and I call you on it, chill. Say sorry, and play nice. You'll get to do it in my bar. If you start throwing testosterone around, my security team AND I will escort you out, permanently if you're dumb enough to throw a punch.

    Lots of competition in the bar business; if you're a problem, better you're someone else's.

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