Testing 5-Hour Energy… Kinda

It’s Wednesday afternoon, and I feel like climbing back into bed, pulling up the covers and sleeping for as long as life will let me. But I can’t. Like most of you, I’m at work, sitting in front a computer, clicking away the hours, with heavy eyes and a case of mild irritability. So to beat away this everyday fatigue, I’ve decided to try 5-hour Energy for the first time.

To add some context: I rarely drink soda and only occasionally drink coffee or energy drinks – the caffeine is often too much for me to handle, sending my heart racing, which in turn makes me feel like my life is falling apart for no reason. Now, as I peel off the red protective plastic, I’m hoping that won’t happen. From what I’ve heard it’s everything from completely useless to the perfect pick-me-up. We shall see…

2:45 PM: Opening the tiny “lemon-lime” flavored liquid. The damn thing was expensive – should be called “5-dollar Energy”…

2:45 PM: It tastes like a weird combination of artificial sweetener and the smell of Resolve carpet cleaner – oh right, I mean “lemon-lime”.

2:46 PM: The label is telling me to “drink one half (1/2) bottle for moderate energy” or “one whole bottle for maximum energy.” I’m worried about feeling like a freak with too much caffeine, but who wants “moderate energy”? F**k it, I’m downing the whole thing.

2:47 PM: Done. Supposedly I’ll “Feel it in minutes.” The timer starts now.

2:51 PM: This is funny.

2:53 PM: Hmmmm, I think I am actually feeling a bit peppier. My head feels a little less like it’s jam-packed with cotton, but my eyes are still wanting to close more than normal.

3:03 PM: To be honest, I’m not really used to paying this much attention to my body. Usually it’s just, “Am I awake? Yes. Am I drunk? A little. Ok, cool.” Doing this makes me feel like a vegan or some other such nonsense…

3:10 PM: Burping a lot, which is at least a type of energy, kinetic maybe. Stomach feels a bit odd, but nothing worth complaining about.

3:15 PM: My breaths are getting shorter and lighter, which makes me want to take deep breaths ever 30 seconds or so. Same thing happens when I’ve had a strong cup of coffee – not a bad thing, but not great either. I am, however, feeling noticeably more awake. My eyes are no longer heavy and my head is clear only half-an-hour in.

3:24 PM: Still not convinced that 5-hour Energy isn’t just some horrible laboratory concoction (yeah, yeah, it’s vitamins, I know), but at least it’s better than what they’ve got in China.

3:27 PM: More burping.

3:40 PM: Should I get an iPhone 3G S? I’m not eligible for the discount with AT&T, so it’s going to cost an arm and a leg. I’m thinking that I don’t really give a sh*t. Better to wait until 2010 for something truly remarkable, right?

3:42 PM: Why can’t all handicap signs be like this?

3:50 PM: A yawn. Maybe it’s just a fluke. Why do we yawn, anyway? Oh, to cool our brains. Weird…

3:52 PM: It’s not even 4:00 yet? Jesus Christ, five hours is a long ass time.

4:09 PM: Feeling a bit jittery – not near-heart-attack-inducing Red Bull jittery, but not normal either. I can feel my heart beating pronouncedly in my chest.

4:12 PM: Damnit! Enough with the burping already…

4:16 PM: Finding it hard to think straight – my mind is jumping all over the place. I think I’ve refreshed my RSS reader about 3000 times in the last 10 minutes.

4:17 PM: Oooooh mini-basketball… Who’s up for a game of H-O-R-S-E?

4:17 PM: Nobody. F**k it, I suck at basketball, anyway.

4:33 PM: OK, I feel pretty much normal now.

4:42 PM: Oh, the boss just came in with a bottle of Scotch. The alcohol will certainly contaminate this experiment.

4:43 PM: Whatever, I’m drinking.

4:44 PM: It’s soooo good! When it hits your lips, it’s so good…

5:02 PM: Well, I’m certainly not tired. And possibly not 100-percent sober, either…

5:13 PM: Maybe I should eat something. OK, I should definitely eat something, but I’m not going to. That’s just how I roll, bitches.

5:19 PM: Alright, I’m getting sick of this diary thing. And paying attention to what my body’s doing. I feel a little weird – and not just drunk weird – but nothing out of the ordinary.

5:27 PM: OK, OK, it hasn’t been five hours, but I’m giving up anyway. I want to go home.

In conclusion: 5-hour Energy works, basically as expected. I’d recommend it to anyone needing a mid-day pick-me-up. Not sure if there’s a crash yet, but it doesn’t feel like there will be. Then again, I am drinking at work, so I’m probably not to be trusted in the first place.

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