Survival Guide to Avoiding the ‘Guido Fist Pump’

It’s summer time and most New Yorkers, like myself book it to the shore for the weekends. I personally head down to the Jersey shore as it’s in close proximity to NYC and because I haven’t reached baller status and simply can’t afford the lush Hamptons (Though if you have a house and would like to put me up, I can be reached at 212-479-7990. I’ll bring the booze).

Now before you start breaking out those dirty Jersey jokes hear me out. No, New Jersey isn’t covered with trash, no not everybody lives off the Garden State Parkway and no it isn’t the armpit of America. It’s a great state, with a lot going for it. I do have one major problem with my state though. Lately, it seems that wherever I seem to go, I’m confronted with an overwhelming amount of fist pumping Guido’s. I constantly find myself surrounded by ‘roided out men with fake tans, extra small Gucci and Armani t-shirts and blow-outs that make Andrew Dice Clay look cool. Wow, and don’t get me started with the fist pumping. For those that are unaware, a fist pumper is a Guido that by nature feels a sense of urgency and duty to move his fist up and down in the air, creating a continuous pumping motion. What I had originally had thought to be a trend it seems they never got the memo from ’96 – that this trend went out of style faster than the collar pop. So like many, I’ve had to look for ways to avoid this rare, yet heavily populated breed. When going out, if you live by these 3 rules, you’ll be Guido free in no time.

Rule #1 – Listen to the Music

By nature, the Guido loves any and all dance music. This includes Guido hits by the likes of Cascada, Bob Sinclair, Paul Oakenfold, DJ Sammy and more – basically any song that has a consistent “oomph, oomph, oomph” beat is an instant Guido favorite. Avoid places that solely endorse this type of music. You can usually hear a club/bars music before you enter so take note and proceed accordingly.

Rule #2 – Do your Research

No, don’t fire up your computer and check out the bars official website. Chances are, this will paint a very vague and misleading picture. Ask around and find out the deal by word of mouth. As an extra precaution, feel out the line before entering. As a general rule of thumb, 1 out of 5 people in line with blow-outs marks that bar as a Guido Hot Spot. AVOID!

Rule #3 – Strategize

Choose bars over clubs. Places where the music is low-key and oomph free should be considered safe. Stick with places where Guido eateries are few and far between. They love their late-night slice of pepperoni blitz and may base the night around the convenience of such places. Also, always have a backup! It’s wild out there and sometimes you simply may run into a trap. Pick 1-2 additional to avoid such night killing mistakes.

While these steps can help the average partygoers from avoiding the Guido masses, bars and clubs are also joining the revolution to keep their bars fist pumpless. Here are some tactics bars and clubs have employed in NJ and some ideas for others to follow.

Offspray in Manasquan, NJ has a patented Guido filtration system- the first of its kind. Fist pumping Guidos are lured in by the heavy bass and dance beats. Right as they enter, they are confronted with a gaudy dance floor and a shot bar. Instantly, they find themselves in homeostasis and never leave. Little do they know, a huge room beyond the dance floor with live music and multiple bars exists. Most Guido’s, content to fist pump the night away will never discover this oasis while the normal folk party on into the night.

Bar A in Belmar, NJ offers up live music all night. Club records are played but not in succession, killing fist pumping momentum before it has a chance to get out of control. In addition, there are no mirrors in the bathroom. No mirrors? Enough said!

Additional Promotions/Rules Bar Owners Should Consider:

Hair Gel Free Nights: Offer promotions where anybody not wearing hair gel gets half off drinks, all night! Seem a little too harsh? Bars could also limit the amount of hair gel to about a dime’s worth. On average, Guido’s consume 36 ounces of hair gel a month or over an ounce a day!!!! Limiting gel use may not weed out the Guido’s entirely, but it will make for an uncomfortable experience. This feeling of sporting a subpar blowout will lead to insecurity which will lead to a reduction in the overall fist-pumpage and Guido activities.

Dress code Rules – For some reason, all Guidos dress alike and love to wear sneakers. Ban sneakers, hats and silver chains. In addition, t-Shirts should fit with ease. Any skin tight t-shirts should not be allowed. This could kill any chance of Guido infestation at a bar as their wardrobe probably doesn’t leave much room for adaptation.

It’s Saturday and I’m headed out for the night. I’ll have a follow-up to this article in a couple weeks but I want to hear your thoughts!

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