Guys are always looking for a way to get the upper hand in the “mating game.” A good starting point would be to follow Budweiser’s advice and know when to say when or if you’re a Kenny Rogers fan heed the gambler’s advice and know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away when the damage is done. In much simpler terms, if you’re into a girl you HAVE to know when she’s rejecting or “negging” you before you get physically denied at the gates. No matter how you use the term – “neg” “negged” “steak ‘n’ neggs” “negg nog” “negatron” “she’s got neggs and she knows how to use them” “Bill and Ted’s neg-cellent adventure” – when it happens, it stings. Below is a list of classic and “new school” negs every guy should be aware of if they want to turn that frown into a visit to Pound Town:
The “I Have To Go To The Bathroom” Neg
If you’ve never heard a girl say this to you during a night out, you’re either deaf or Derek Jeter. This timeless masterpiece is the easiest and most recognized neg. Hell, I’m guilty of using it to get away from chicks (all none of them). When a girl announces her need to hit the head, cross her off your list, reboot, get your engines back to neutral and head on down the highway looking for sexventures, because you will never see that girl again. If you do happen to see her chatting up some other lucky bastard, make sure to give him a nudge and say, “Betty Bowel Movement over here just dropped some serious heat – no anal for you!”
The “I Have A Boyfriend” Neg
Unlike that time I hit on a couple of broads and they claimed they were married only to have me call bullshit and they both simultaneously held up their wedding bands, telling whether or not a girl is taken is probably one of the biggest challenges facing bachelors. If a girl says this right off the bat, there’s no guarantee she has one. She could be saying it to get you to scram (because she’s simply not interested) or she could be saying it to save you time and money (because she actually does have a boyfriend). Though each version hurts equally bad, if said with sincerity and not that gnarled lip curvature and lack of eye contact, they are acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is the girl who decides to string you along. The girl who, for one reason or another, decides my boyfriend hasn’t really been paying attention to me, he doesn’t appreciate me, I need to reaffirm my sense of self-worth and increase my self-esteem. Oh, here’s a sap who’ll buy my single shtick. These women are the worst. Absolute worst. I’m pretty sure pulling this shit in a foreign country results in caning or severed limbs. So, how does one avoid such a debilitating situation? I wish I could tell you. When a girl AND her best friend go an entire night without a peep about a boyfriend, a suspiciously male-sounding “friend,” or men as a gender, something HAS to be up.
The “Thanks For the Cab Ride” Neg
This one hurts most of all. This is how insane girls are. Because they’ve spent their last three paychecks on shoes, bags, clothes, and make-up, they become hardcore concerned about spending any money whatsoever when they go out. They whore themselves out for drinks, drugs, VIP access, bottle service, backstage passes, etc. But cab fare? … CAB FARE?!?! I’ve had this happen more than once and it disturbs me how easily I fall for this maneuver. How can you tell this is going to happen? Beats me. I got suckered into coughing up a decent chunk of change last Friday. If I had to guess, I’d say the girl is WAY too eager to leave the club or bar with you without even the slightest hint of grinding, hugging, kissing, or shaking hands. She wants to go now, right now. Most average, red-blooded American guys would think, Easiest. Score. Ever. $20-$60 later says, Worst. Decision. Ever. What ladies don’t understand is we’ll buy you drinks, drugs, VIP access, and/or bottle service like suckers and then say, “Aw, shucks,” when we don’t hook up but leaving the venue with us and getting into a cab puts us in an entirely different frame of mind. You’ve now completely canceled out any chance with any other woman (outside of booty calls) and locked us in to one remaining target. And that target just quickly exited the cab, slammed the door behind her and shouted, “Thanks! Bye!” The ultimate kick in the dick.
The Passed Out Neg
Come on, let’s get serious. You’re not that passed out. This could be worse than the Cab Fare Neg because you’ve done your work, put in your hours, made all the right moves. Then THIS?! Sure, I guess you can’t say she’s rejecting you consciously, but, those last eleven Washington Apple shots were UNcalled for.
The Bipolar Neg
You want to lose your mind? Hit on a chick who’s officially lost hers. Somewhere along the line, this girl saw a movie, read a magazine article, or listened to a book on tape that taught her the “hot and cold” treatment is the right way to win a guy over. I don’t think you could be any more wrong. Here’s a typical one-sided conversation with a psycho chick: “I want you, get away from me, but your lips are so soft, you make me sick, I can’t get enough of you, I can’t stand you, KISS ME!!!” When was this cute? The ’30s? I’d much rather she pass out. Truth be told, when you catch her on the upswing, prepare for the craziest, kinkiest sex of your life. Is the juice worth the psychological squeeze? This one is certainly the most entertaining of all negs.
The Can’t Speak For Herself Neg
Mother Hen over here decides her friend shouldn’t be hooking up with you and puts the kibosh on the whole damn thing. Listen, lady, just because you can’t score any beak of your own doesn’t mean you have to make it rain all over our spit swap parade. I’d love to shadow this girl as she goes about her daily life and completely turn the tables – About to take a crap? I pop out of the shower and block access to the toilet. About to watch the series finale of Grey’s Anatomy? World Series highlights are on…every TV in a mile radius. About to marry the man you love? He actually prefers your sister. I’m not bitter.
Hopefully, now that you’re armed with the complete arsenal of negs, you can pick up on these in the field before they pick up momentum and completely derail your night. Be careful with the bipolar chick, though, I forgot to mention she might cut your Jeter off.