John Mayer's 16 Douchiest Quotes So Far

Honestly, I never paid too much attention to John Mayer. Sure, his earlier music hits were like lollipops from a candy store: cheap, simple and sweet and the words to those songs just came out of my mouth like I was born knowing them. In no way did I ever think about what he was up to, ever. Then his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston became tabloid fodder and he started talking, a lot. Now I can’t escape John Mayer, even if I flew to the moon.
John has a medical condition widely known as “Diarrhea of the mouth.”

Don't date John - he has issues

I thought it was bad when, in the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, home boy talked about a current “relationship” with some random woman and his ex, Jennifer Aniston:
“I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?”
He doesn’t stop at his feelings for Jennifer. He also opens up about Tiger Woods and says “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.” Ugh. That was just too much information, man.
The honesty that was oozing out of John in the Rolling Stone interview just wasn’t enough for him, however.
In the March 2010 issue of Playboy Magazine, John’s confessional rants explode yet again.
John’s take on porn: “When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.” Get in line, buddy.
John and black women: “I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” I have no words.
John and Jessica Simpson: “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” Are there Hallmark cards for this sentiment?
Look out, Jess - his hair is going to devour you!

I thought I’d try to get to know the man better. I mean, who am I to judge this guy? How do you do this? Follow their Twitter page.
Here are tweets from John Mayer from the past three months (in no particular order) that let me into his world:
“My six word story ‘my heart didn’t come with instructions.’” Please, John, do NOT write a song with these lyrics in them. I did that in the sixth grade and I will sue you.
“Most compelling part of Avatar? The man next to me at the urinal who pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees. Alien indeed.” Roger Ebert, your job is safe.
Huffington Post: America’s trusted source for political news and side boob. The Costco of editorial tone.” Arianna, you have my permission to slap this guy.
“The following tweet takes place between 6:58 AM and 6:58 AM.” Okay, I actually giggled at this one.
“My mouth is the Don King of my penis.” Stop with these references to your penis already. I get it. You like your penis. Let’s move on, shall we?
“Dumb: ‘Epic fail,’ a phrase used to make fun of someone’s failed attempts, written by people living in their parents’ basements.” I immediately flashed to an image of Kevin Smith from “Live Free or Die Hard” in the basement of his mom’s house.
Sade to release new album in 2010, sending shares of KY warming lube skyrocketing.” I wonder if John has stock options in this company?
“I’ve got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he’s lost a role model. What a shame.” I love his use of “boning” in this sentence. Perhaps he should teach an AP English class for high school kids. Role models – we need more.
“I need to stop taking pills with names that are palindromes: Xanax, H-Coninoch, Lipilipil, Seresiseres XR, Odin’s Fury” Maybe you should just stop taking pills altogether.
“I don’t like this savory smell of cooking wafting from the apartment next door. It’s cocky. ‘Look at me, I buy groceries and have a family.’” Bitter much?
“I need to learn how to start saying no. Like when someone says ‘please stop choking me.’” I have this horrible S & M image of John and some random girl. I am eternally creeped out.
Conclusion: if you’re a blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk, you’re going to like John Mayer.

51 thoughts on “John Mayer's 16 Douchiest Quotes So Far”

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  2. I really enjoyed your column! Like you, I never really paid attention to him other than the music. I really enjoy most of it. Now, the more I hear about him as a person — outside the music, the more I have a hard time listening to his work….too bad, should have just kept his mouth shut!

  3. I find these quotes to be honest, refreshing and self revealing. So I must be a "blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk". You used "douchiest", "diarrhea mouth"and "douchebag" in your 2nd grade rant. What does that make you??

  4. agrees with Sandy

    i love the way he speaks freely, i mean why not. he sounds like an intelligent man with a crass but clever sense of humor. all u did was quote him and add snippets of brilliance like "get in line" and "bitter much?" come on, at least john mayer can come up with something memorable.

  5. I found him hilarious!! And what's even more hilarious is that he has nothing bad to say about Chinnifer; doesn't that tell you she's BORING AS HELL??

  6. Okay unless you're the one dating him, this shouldn't bother you people. He's not perfect he's young, single and this is America isn't it? He's allowed to speak his mind. Anyway as long as he keeps producing music I like I could give a rat's ass what he thinks about his penis and his relationships.

  7. I absolutely LOVE this guy – especially for his engaging personality and candor. What a disappointment when he (ugh) apologized for such a ballsy comment that was within context and even had some spectacular subtext. Next time, say what you think and leave it out there, John…no apologies.
    It's about time we have someone in the public eye who understands that the only negative energy attached to words is the one WE give to them for ourselves. Consider the derogatory terms that have been used to describe women for ages. Most of us got over it looooong ago. We actually find them humorous when they're chucked in our direction. (C-word anyone???)
    Folks in this country need to get over this nonsensical PC-ness. Embrace those who
    speak their truth openly and stop giving the rest of the world something new to laugh at us about.
    We're lovin' how you roll, John!!!

  8. He's a true mess! What respectful man kisses and tells i.e. Jessica/Jennifer. I'm sure they should be glad they aren't seeing him any longer he's a BIG MOUTH and makes stupid racist comments!

  9. I'm thinking the author of this column lives in his parents basement and says things like epic fail. John Mayer can't be used as a clutch for a lack of writing skills. He plays the guitar and speaks his mind – if you dont like what he has to say, then dont listen (or for that matter, research JMs' every move and tell us how "douchey" it is, we'd rather be listening to one of his tracks then your ranting).

  10. Well, I love John Mayer, so what does that say about me? I'm gonna tattoo that quote about saying "no" across my chest. Epic succeed. 🙂

  11. I really dislike whoever wrote this, all these quotes seem to be little clippings out of a bigger statement and they all seem to be taken out of context. this is exactly what is wrong with the media today: sound bites taken out of context. and by the way, when your being interveiwed by PLAYBOY, your probably gonna talk about porno, and it clearly seems to all be done in good humor. the writer should get a life and grow up. and by the way i totally agree with trish.

  12. I actually think it's pathetic that you wasted your time on someone as epic as John Mayer. There is RARELY any negative press involving him and it's scum like you that puts it out there. He's here for his music, which I appreciate profoundly as well as many of my peers, and he shouldn't be judged for anything but that. What rapper doesn't talk about his penis, say something demeaning about a female, or use drugs? I say you write about one of them instead of trying to ruin an awesome guy for a lot of people. If anyone is a "jerk" in this situaton I'd say it's you.

  13. This dude is a racist and America is still in love with this racist punk.Who are these black folks giving out these so call hood cards,and if names come out,black folks should dis own them traders.

  14. The thoughts and ideas he expresses in that interview are like watery stool. He may be an OK musician, but fundamentally he's shallow trash.

  15. Uncle Rosy, in what is he racist? you are a ridiculous idiot, and you genuinely do not know what you are talking about.

  16. He’s an a-hole who’s songs are lame. It’s clear that he’s his biggest fan — he thinks he’s clever and funny, and he’s neither. His attempts at being esoteric and “deep” just show him for the shallow idiot he is. I

  17. Oops! My computer froze briefly, and I wasn’t quite finished. My opinion of him has always been that he was over-rated, but the more I hear from him, the more I recognize he’s not just a poor excuse for a singer-songwriter, but a jacka$$ who believes his own press, as well.

  18. Damn, this article was bitchy. You had me going in the beginning, but by the time I got to the end I was definitely on Mayer's side. I feel sorry for the misfortunate people who take offense at pointless things like this. Also, it's worth noting that his various comments may have been offensive to some, but really, that doesn't say much about him as a person. So what if he finds some races more sexually attractive than others? That's… extremely common, now that I think about it.

  19. I was ready to unfriend him on Twitter. I friended him when the last controversy came out about some of his quotes in Rolling Stone… I didn't think he deserved the flack he got for using the "n'" word — now you've convinced me otherwise.
    I find his honesty, down-to-earth language and openness refreshing. So what, his penis is not attracted to Black women. I don't wanna f**k him either. I'm picky that way.
    I loved what he did at MJ's funeral. He's the real thing. A good artist and musician. That he ia also human and screws up makes him just like me.

  20. This guy is a freaking sleeze. And women continue to go out with him. I feel sorry for those women because I know that they must have very low self-esteem to hook up with a jerk like that. And Jennifer keeps coming back for more. Is she crazy?? There are much better guys out there!! This guy is a total loser.

  21. Quotes from his interviews were pretty bad. But it seemed like you were trying too hard with the twitter quotes. They were actually pretty funny in their own right.

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  24. I actually laughed my ass off at these. I still hate John Mayer and his pussy music, but this was pretty funny.
    Except for the epic fail comment, that was a total…well, epic fail.

  25. What we're seeing here is the collision of Web 2.0 with celebrity idealism. If these comments were made by some random dude on the internet, we'd probably appreciated their ironic humor and brash absurdity. But since it's coming from a guy whose face, job, and dating habits we're all much too familiar with, and whom many among us had admired or idolized, we think it's unforgivably douchey. When you're in the public eye, you can't moon people.

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  29. I hate this guy.He's a racist.I don't like the way he speaks.He thinks he’s clever and funny.He’s a big mouth and makes stupid racist comments!

  30. wow this was so clever.
    Who sits around and makes a website hating a celebrity? hahhaha.
    if you don't like John Mayer then ignore him, i'm sure he couldn't play too big of a role in youre life bro.
    maybe get a life and stop reading pathetic tabloids about the life you wish you had. or maybe you should do as you think he should and keep your mouth shut? i don't know i'm just thinking here. just pondering really.
    I enjoy John Mayer, and i think he's HIL-ARE-E-US.
    Sandy, you go girl.

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  37. This article completely made my day. I have always been a huge fan of his music, and not a huge fan of his constant diarrhea of the mouth. It seems to be the continuing thing he gets bad press for, and yet, he just can't help himself. I truly was so into him before he even came out with his first real album…and then I started hearing him talk outside of his songs! I literally cringe everytime I hear him in interviews. Ehhhh, what can you do. At least he finally closed his twitter account…it was really prone to his bad diarrhea of the mmouth. I'm guessing his publicist told him it was bad form.

  38. This article completely made my day. I have always been a huge fan of his music, and not a huge fan of his constant diarrhea of the mouth. It seems to be the continuing thing he gets bad press for, and yet, he just can't help himself. I truly was so into him before he even came out with his first real album…and then I started hearing him talk outside of his songs! I literally cringe everytime I hear him in interviews. Ehhhh, what can you do. At least he finally closed his twitter account…it was really prone to his bad diarrhea of the mmouth. I'm guessing his publicist told him it was bad form.
    And for those sweeties that had no idea…check out some of this other quotes that you may have missed in his Playboy interview:
    John Mayer discusses banging Jessica Simpson
    February 10th, 2010 // 73 Comments
    Us Magazine got a hold of John Mayer’s upcoming interview for Playboy where he discusses everything from sex with Jessica Simpson to how he only banged a few groupies to get over Jennifer Aniston:
    On Jessica Simpson:
    “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’”
    On Jennifer Aniston:
    “There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”
    On nailing groupies to get over his break-up with Aniston:
    “I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”

  39. Whoever wrote this sounds like a girl in junior high school. Or a frumpy cat lady that lives by herself and resents people that don’t rely on chocolate to deal with life’s struggles.

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  41. So I was right in my first impression – he really IS that guy you meet at a party who wears a black turtleneck and talks about Beaudelaire and how this party is really lame, and who you spend the rest of the night trying to avoid ever talking to again. The tragedy for THAT guy is that he never understands that he is nowhere near as important as he thinks he is or that everyone around him thinks he's an idiot because nobody has the heart to tell him – at least John Mayer doesn't have that problem (assuming he can read).

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