From the dawn of time, Man has gazed upon the almost unending diversity of creatures in earth’s forests, oceans and hillsides and triumphantly proclaimed – “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” That’s right, not content with the pitiful efforts of Mother Nature (naked mole rat!?!), we’ve taken it upon ourselves to fabricate hundreds of mythical creatures over the centuries. And while many of these creatures are supremely bad ass, more than a few should have been left on the cutting room floor. Of all the stupid, worthless and just plain ridiculous mythical creatures, here are the 7 lamest of all time:
#7 – The Cyclops
What most of us would call a hideous genetic mutation, the ancient Greeks and Romans called a Cyclops. A race of giants, these deformed creatures are easily distinguishable by the lone eye that is situated in the middle of their foreheads. Supposedly, a Cyclops possesses superhuman strength. However, I find it hard to believe that fighting a Cyclops would ever prove to be much of challenge. After all, those muscles are useless if you don’t have the adequate depth perception to actually HIT YOUR OPPENENT!
Perhaps the three most famous Cyclopes of all time are Arges, Brontes and Steropes. According to Hesiod (a Greek poet), these three brothers were the children of gods. His writings inform us that Cyclopes exhibited a foul disposition and were “abrupt to emotion.” What can we glean from this description? Any mythical creature that is perpetually as emotional and cranky as a menstruating woman is LAME, LAME, LAME!
#6 – The Mermaid
Ah, the fair ladies of the sea. It is said that these aquatic creatures – half human female and half fish – exhibit such enchanting beauty, that simply gazing upon them causes men to mindlessly walk off the docks or jump off their ships in an effort to get some of that sweet sea pussy. However, I won’t be the first to point out that sex with a mermaid is completely impossible. From the waste down, that bathing beauty is no prettier than a sockeye salmon.
Such a fact throws a giant monkey wrench in the “drowning-in-pursuit-of mermaids” theory. I don’t care how attractive a girl’s face is, if she doesn’t have a vagina, I’m not following her anywhere. Mermaids: for making us men feel sexually confused and attracted to aquatic forms of life, I hereby dub you ETERNALLY LAME.
#5 – The Chupacabra
Chupacabras are a relatively new entry into the hall of mythology and folklore. First, “sighted” in Puerto Rico in 1995, the chupacabra has since been reported throughout much of Latin America. Despite the fact that “images” of the creature look exactly like an aborted dog fetus, the beast is most often described as having reptilian features, with scaly green/gray skin, sharp fangs, glowing red eyes and a height of 3 to 4 ft. That description doesn’t sound too bad, until you add in the fact that the chupacabra stands on its hind legs and HOPS LIKE A KANGAROO. Lame.
And what does the chupacabra do with this ridiculous freak show of a body? It hops around killing and drinking the blood of farm animals. Not humans. Not wild animals. Domesticated goats, sheep and chickens! You’re telling me that with these sharp fangs and razor claws, this monster only has the ability to capture the weakest animals known to man? Super lame.
One final note – even the name itself contributes to the unwavering lameness of this made-up beast. In Spanish, Chupacabra means “goat sucker,” and suck it does.
#4 – The Astomi
The Astomi are the dark horse in the race to mythical lameness. In fact, I’m quite sure you’ve never heard of them before. But if it weren’t for this fact, I assure you these ridiculous creatures would easily have made the number one spot on this list.
The Astomi are a legendary race of humans that was cooked up by the Hindu religion. Making their home on the Ganges River, these humanoids had “rough and hairy” bodies and no mouths. No mouths, you say? But then how did they eat!? They didn’t, my friend. They gained nutrition in a way that is both preposterous and supremely lame – they smelled things that smell pretty! Flowers, fruit, sweet roots – the scent of these items were all the Astomi needed to survive.
Now that you know that he idea of such a mythical being exists, your next question is undoubtedly: “how do I kill them off? ” As the story goes, simply GIVE THEM SOMETHING UNPLEASANT TO SMELL! Death by armpits? LAME!
#3 – The Leprechaun
Of all the diminutive mythical creatures, the leprechaun is by far the most worthless. Gnomes have superior speed. Dwarves have superior strength. And what does the leprechaun have? Superior greed.
Yes, though an esteemed member of the “faerie folk” (lame), the leprechaun possesses very few enchanted powers. Leprechaun enthusiasts (yes, there are some) will tell you that leprechauns are adept at trickery and mischief, but so what? They also have the ability to take the form of whatever they choose. Given this, the fact that they CHOOSE to look like tiny old men and dress in green knickers only makes them that much lamer.
As hinted at above, the only real positive the leprechauns have is the pots of gold they keep hidden in forests and at the end of rainbows. Unfortunately, the ability to share is another noticeably absent characteristic of the filthy leprechaun. Greedy, green and pranksters? Leprechauns, you are truly one of the lamest of all.
#2 – The Fairy
A close friend of the leprechaun, fairies are tiny winged creatures that possess magical abilities. Like the leprechaun, these magical abilities are largely wasted on making mischief and playing pranks.
I shouldn’t have to point that calling someone a “fairy,” is a well-known derogatory put-down. This is because the fairy is the absolute embodiment of lameness. Male and female fairies alike both spend their time combing their hair, staring into mirrors and prancing about the forest. As you well know – anything that spends any amount of time “prancing around” is both ridiculous and super lame.
Adding to the lameness of the fairy (and helping it edge out the leprechaun), is its origin story. According to author J.M. Barrie (creator of Peter Pan), “…when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” Born from baby laughter!? INCREDIBLY LAME!
#1 – Champ
A supposed prehistoric water serpent that resides in Lake Champlain (along the border of Vermont and New York), Champ is the lamer and less-known version of the Loch Ness Monster. First sighted in 1883 by a local sheriff, the legend of Champ was almost immediately exploited for profit.
As if miraculously, several local individuals came forward to claim their own Champ sightings, which inevitably drew thousands of gullible tourists to the area for their chance to spot the “25 to 30-ft” monster. The grab for money became so feverish, that P.T. Barnum himself offered a reward of $50,000 to anyone who could produce the carcass of Champ. Unfortunately, no one could ever find, let alone kill the stupid beast, and the legend lives on today.
Today, there is no doubt that the vast majority of tourism to the area is due to the perpetuation of the myth of Champ. This is despite almost no evidence to back up the claim of its actual existence.
Congratulations, Champ! Despite your utter ridiculousness, you’ve finally lived up to your ironic name. You are the champion. For being completely overshadowed and identical to another mythical creature, and for being pimped out largely for monetary reasons, you are the lamest mythical creature of them all!