Is there anything more unflattering than a person who uses their Facebook status inappropriately? While hanging out in the newsroom with my buddy Grant the other day, we began perusing Facebook to curb our boredom (and/or procrastinate doing any work). While doing so we noticed that a pattern emerged amongst some of our friends; they were damn good at being really annoying. It seemed like every status update we came across just made navigating “The Book” more and more unbearable. Sadly, we couldn’t go through and tell each person why their crappy status was ruining our day so being nerds, we did the next best thing — came up with a biting list of the five worst kinds of status updates. Now all we have to do is make it our status and wait for everyone to take all our wonderful advice.
1. Tagging your baby
If you’ve just had a great date with the love of your life, doesn’t he or she already know about it? Is tagging him or her in your status really necessary? The answer is no, it’s not. That’s what your Facebook inbox is for, or phone calls, or God forbid, face-to-face conversation. Your friends should already know you’re happily in a relationship. Save me the trouble of cleaning the chunks off of my keyboard and keep sappy status updates to yourself, please.
2. Piling on drama
If you’re really upset about something or having a rough day, let’s be honest: you don’t want 800 of your least-closest friends to know about it, do you? No one likes a complainer. There’s no need to drag everyone else down with an obnoxious update. And since we’re being honest, is what just happened to you really that bad? People get speeding tickets every day. Professors can be jerks. Hangovers aren’t that bad. If you’re really going to “F” your “L” over any of these things, you aren’t mature enough to be part of Facebook or society in general. Statuses that do a poor job at being subtle also fall into this category. Yeah, we see all those Paramore lyrics you like to post. We also see that it’s a poor attempt to stick it to an ex who wronged you in hopes that he or she will see how badly you’re hurting. If you really want to stick it to him or her, write a letter detailing how you’re totally over the whole thing and don’t even think about your relationship anymore. Then put it in their locker. I mean it worked in eighth grade, so it probably still works now.
3. Begging for compliments
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you got the job. I’m glad you aced your test. Don’t ruin that by trying to guilt me into congratulating you. If I want to give you praise, I will do so on my own terms. There’s no need to make a special request for it. Plus, don’t you think my compliments might mean a little more if I can make them on my own terms? How am I supposed to genuinely wish you luck or applaud your efforts if you force me to before I even get the chance? There’s nothing like signing in and seeing that a handful of people liked your status or left a congratulatory comment, don’t ruin it by telling me I should be happy for you.
4. Stating the obvious
When finals week rolls around at your school, news feeds will be filled with statuses about how tough it is. Talk about aggravating. Everyone is in the same boat. We’ve all had finals before, and many of us will have more next year. Why do some people deem it necessary to comment on them? I could not care less about how many presentations, essays and tests you have left. If you’re so busy, how do you have time to sit here and tell anyone who will listen that your world is so hard that you can’t handle it? In the time it takes you to figure out all the ways your life is so rough, you could probably publish your own self-help book and assist others people in the same downtrodden situation.
5. Stating the pointless
I don’t care that you’re at the gym. You’re going to bed? OK, good for you. Just get it over with and leave Facebook be. It’ll be there when you’re done. I really don’t need to know what you’re doing at every second of everyday. I like you; that’s why we’re friends, but honestly there comes a point where all you’re doing is breeding a crop Facebook stalkers with your obnoxious updates, stop.
I like Facebook just as much as the next person but please, for our sanity and yours, let’s strive to add a little significance to status updates. It just promotes a healthier atmosphere for us to do what we do best—creep.