10 Ways To Impress A One Night Stand

The one-night stand. It’s a staple on college campuses all around the world and can easily be an ambitious student’s single greatest accomplishment — or the epitome of  embarrassment. The one-night stand, even when fueled by copious amounts of alcohol, can be a beautiful thing so it’s only natural that we would do anything we can to preserve its sanctity. While it’s inevitably an awkward experience in and of itself, there are ways to make sure that the awkwardness of a one-night stand stay at tolerable levels. Here are ten foolproof ways to impress your one-night stand so much that she’ll never look at you and be overcome with a sense of nausea, regret, and embarrassment.
Don’t get too drunk
As a guy, it doesn’t get much worse than having a ready and willing hottie ready and waiting for you and all you can do is flash one of those “I’m so sorry” looks. The one-night stand is a delicate animal and too much booze can ruin your one shot of getting a girl to do things that she’ll probably regret tomorrow. You don’t have to be sober, be buzzed — hell be hammered if the occasion calls for it — but don’t be blackout. Theres a 50/50 shot that you might actually want to remember what it is that’s about to happen between the sheets that night.


You Best Use Some Zest
“What’s that smell” should never be a phrase uttered pre-coitus, or during any romantic moment for that matter, so make sure you get you inner eighth-grader on and step your hygiene game up. Now “hygiene” and “college”  don’t necessarily go hand in hand (and it’s especially hard to keep things Kosher while beer guzzling, party hopping, and participating in  numerous other illegal activities) but it’s the little things that count. Gum is a must and never be afraid to tidy up whatever you have to in the bathroom before getting down. It’s not weird, it’s common courtesy.


Hold the Leather Please
Whips and chains might get you going, but they’ve got no place in a one-night stand. It’s kind of like a bad teen comedy where the guy is extra-amped  and that the girl from the frat party wants to take him home but once he gets there she’s got a torture wheel, a big spiky dildo, and no lube. I’d run too. Save the freaky stuff for a serious relationship, there are definitely people out there ready and willing to lick your boots while you tighten the nipple claps. Please don’t harm the unassuming girl or the girl just looking to get some.


If You Saw It In Porn, It Probably Won’t Work
A one-night stand is not the time to pretend you’re Lexington Steel or Jenna Jameson. Being creative and being too ambitious are two separate entities entirely. While most people will enjoy a signature move (maybe nibbling the ear or something special with the tongue), keep it simple because odds are you’ll never hook up again. What they won’t want is trying to do it reverse cowgirl while hanging over the balcony and trying to capture your misguided antics on camera. Keep it smooth, keep it simple.


Don’t Text During
I’ll admit I’ve become quite the texting whore over the years, but never could I imagine doing it during sex. I feel like that’s kind of like a doctor watching ESPN while doing invasive surgery. It’s an intensely important act so it’s probably good to devote your full attention to it. And seriously how much sex are you having that you would waste valuable time texting a buddy.


Know How Much Is Enough
Since we’re talking about communication, it’s important to note that too much dirty talk can be a  huge turn-off. While I think it’s hot that you have so many creative ways to tell me just how badly you want me, it stops being hot when you start telling I’m a dirty slut or when you start conversing about all the degrading things you want to do to me. If a scenario needs more than two or three dirty words to describe what you want, maybe you should save that one for your diary. Stick to the classics please.


Don’t Stay For Breakfast (Unless Offered Of Course)
You know that scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl share an  especially awkward breakfast after doing the dirty the night before? Yeah, don’t do that. Get in, do your thing, get out. It’s a one night stand, not a one-night stand and talk about your feelings. It’s kind of like practicing to be a Navy Seal, just treat it like a covert operation.


This One’s For The Boys

Okay,  so it’s the morning (or if you follow my Navy Seals game plan, 10 minutes after you’re done) and you need to get dressed. Now, while I believe that if you’re going to have sex you absolutely should be comfortable with your body, there is something that no man in is right mind should do: DO NOT BEND OVER IN FRONT OF A WOMAN. It’s gross, it’s awkward, it’s not a good look men. Girls can sometimes get away with it but for males it’s like a live action shot of the worst angle in porn. For the love of God spare her the emotional scaring and eventual vomiting that comes with getting a glimpse of “the angle”.


Um Yeah, don’t do this either…Don’t take a dump. There really isn’t much to say about this…let’s move on before things get weird.


And Last but not least
Don’t high-five afterward. You’re doing an adult act, so find an adult way to express your gratitude for a good romp. A simple “Oh man, that was great!” might suffice. You aren’t MVP of the Super Bowl, you didn’t just tell a good joke, and there’s a good chance that you aren’t forsaken to only be able to communicate through intimate hand to hand contact so find a better use for your digits. A high five after will all but seal the deal that you won’t be coming back for seconds.

15 thoughts on “10 Ways To Impress A One Night Stand”

  1. Pingback: Car sex, Lebron’s mom, animals riding animals, and moreHoe | Welcome to Freshman Year

  2. I have a better idea. How about you just don't do it? One night stands are for flakes and horny people without the mental power or patience to wait for a serious relationship.

  3. @Bill: That's why it's great for a lot of people. If you don't like one night stands, Bill, why did you even bother with the article? It's obviously not for you.

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  5. Don't forget about the massive amounts of oral. Keeps her lubricated and provides some time in between to get back up.

    Seriously? Shallow much? If you're emotionally scarred by a guy bending over then you're higher maintenance than the princess and the pea. Asking guys to not do it is fine, but you word it as though it's an apocalyptic event they should be hanged for. Grow up.

  7. It's an intensely important act? A quickie with a person you don't know and hope to never see again?

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  9. Attempting to remember names is dangerous. If someone is seeing a few different people, it's not safe to try to say their names during sex. Of course, this is Digg, and someone will alert us all to the "fact" that the porn on the screen doesn't care what name you throw out.

  10. Great advice! Also, shove it in her pooper when she's least expecting it. Girls love that!

  11. elle oh elle eh

    the most important thing is to maintain a sense of humor about the entire thing. the article does just that, although it may not state it explicitly.
    but the bottom line is that it was supposed to be funny. and it was, although most of the commenters don't seem to get it. i guess that's pretty funny in itself, in a socratic irony kinda way. separates the stupid ones (who don't get the concept of hyperbole) from the rest.
    @tristan: no, not seriously. you're the one that's taking this wayyyy too seriously. i guess you would have been less offended had the article adopted a less dramatic tone–e.g.
    "Bending over is not a good idea. However it's also not the greatest sin ever. It's just kinda in between you know? You probably shouldn't do it, but maybe you should, just to test if this girl whom you'll probably never see again, is high maintenance or not. AD NAUSEAM."

  12. Pingback: How to Survive A Drunken Blackout (In 5 Easy Steps) : COED Magazine

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