5 Ways Serial Killers Can Help You Pick Up Women

They’re passionate. They’re accomplished. They’re attentive. They’re also, unfortunately, likely to make a suit out of your skin. Serial killers! They’re out there, sharpening their axes. Fortunately, they’re more than just a scourge of the night. They’re an inspiration. From Bundy to Dahmer to Buffalo Bill, these guys definitely know how to get the girl. And now, using their tried-and-true methods — albeit with a few minor modifications — you, too, can get the woman of your dreams. Here are five tips and techniques from America’s number one lady-killers:

1. Feign Helplessness

Is there anything more attractive to a lady than a man with a fake cast on his arm struggling to fit a sofa into the back of a van? Well, yes, actually. The fake-lost-pet, the fake-cast-while-attempting-to-move-something, the fake-dead-car-battery — these tricks have been used by everyone from Ted Bundy to Buffalo Bill to lull women into a false sense of security. This is bad. But what’s not so bad is being not-so-good at something. Spot a hottie tearing it up on the pool table? Ask her for some pointers on the game. On a first date and don’t know anything about wine? Don’t hide it — embrace it — your date will either bust out some knowledge, or you’ll be able to bond over your mutual lack of “refinement.” The point is there’s no need to be a know-it-all, and a girl who can teach you something is a girl who you have an opportunity to get to know better.

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2. Volunteer in Your Community

John Wayne Gacy met a whole bunch of people in his community because he dressed up as a clown and performed at children’s parties, served on his local chamber of commerce, and helped build low-income houses. Unfortunately, a lot of the people he met in his community he also killed and buried in the crawlspace under his house. This is bad. But volunteering isn’t. Serve some food to the homeless, pound some nails for Habitat for Humanity, help raise money for some kids  — anything you do to help out others has two great effects. First, you’ll be around other people — and some of those other people just might be beautiful and female. And, second, volunteering makes you a good person. And if there’s one thing women find attractive, it’s a guy a with a heart. Just not, y’know, one in his fridge.

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3.  Be Handy

Buffalo Bill not only made a suit out of skin, he accurately eye-balled the measurements with night vision goggles. Jeffrey Dahmer not only built elaborate torture devices, he built them from scratch in the living room of his tiny apartment. John Wayne Gacy not only buried a bunch of bodies in his crawl-space, he single-handidly re-engineered the foundations of his house to do so. Women love a guy who can do stuff. A sense of humor and a pleasant personality is great, but so is the ability to create something tangible with your hands. If you’re a guy who can fix things, build things, make things, don’t be afraid to let a girl know. Use those talents in ways which benefit a girl, and soon enough she just might let you use those hands for some real fun stuff.

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4. Be Organized and Prepared

Let’s ponder our man Dexter. Possibly the most organized serial killer ever, Dexter leaves nothing to chance. Plastic wrap, spotless tools, escape routes, secret locations — the guy makes the Boy Scouts look like the Keystone Kops. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that. It’s great to be spontaneous, but it’s also great to make reservations, to stop by the ATM beforehand, to show up on time, and to just generally act like a responsible adult. A little planning can go a long way.

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5. Be Clean and Well-Groomed

A fingerprint here. A spot of blood there. Dozens of bodies decomposing in your crawl space. Even the smallest hygiene faux paus can have major consequences if you’re a serial killer. And that’s a good thing — keep in mind, we do want these guys to get caught — but there is something admirable about a guy who makes an effort to not be a slob. Smell nice. Shave. Dress like a normal, harmless adult. Women, like CSIs, notice even the smallest details. So take the time to always look your best. And remember: like a serial killer, a gentlemen never leaves his DNA all over the place.

26 thoughts on “5 Ways Serial Killers Can Help You Pick Up Women”

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  2. Be very personable… just like all those killer, rapists, etc Or like every guy I know who cheats on his wife/ girlfriend.
    Women need to wise up and be much more suspicious of those wankers who try to chat them up and flirt with them at the grocery stores!

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  4. This is offensive and NOT FUNNY! Women are not prey and serial killers should not be celebrated.

  5. Hope you little shits have a daughter one day…when she comes face to face with a serial killer or rapist, will you be laughing then? How about your mother, sister…hey, you never know.

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  14. hugely creepy

    This is shockingly unfunny. "Apply five techniques used by psychopaths to abuse and victimize?"
    Would you publish, "5 ways serial rapists can help you get the girl?"
    This is like Michael Richard's N-word routine. You have failed at comedy in this most embarrassing, disastrous way possible.

  15. If this was intended to be funny, it wasn't. If it was intended to help budding serial killers, then it was successful.
    Overall, a bad article.

  16. This article bugs me, but not for the reasons the other people are saying. I'm just not cool with your repeated lumping in of fictional characters with other serial killers, since the fictional characters are actually based off the real serial killers. Especially egregious is the feign helplessness "these tricks have been used by everyone from Ted Bundy to Buffalo Bill to…" bit. "everyone from… to" should mean everyone, but you really just mean Ted Bundy and Buffalo Bill used this. Wonder why they both used it? Because one is based off the other. The character of Buffalo Bill was an amalgamation of known serial killers, and his helpless bit was pulled from Ted Bundy's. So, really, you are siting one incidence portrayed multiple times. It's like saying the Titanic is constantly sinking because there are all these movies based on it, disregarding the fact that its all based on one event.
    Good laws I get wordy. Yeah.

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  19. I would rather find a woman by myself. If I let a serial killer help me find the woman of my dreams, then he probably would tell me to hurt and/or even kill her as well.

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