From Manimal To Man In 13 Easy Steps

To get laid, the most you need is scented candles, massage oil and Barry White’s greatest hits. But anything more than that requires a bit more work. Say you’ve gone out on a couple of dates. She’s beautiful, chill and gets your jokes. You’re relaxed, funny, and genuinely enjoying yourself. You both know it’s going to the next step of something more serious. What do you do now? Below is a complete list of all you need to know to keep her around–and off your back!
Clean the bathroom: It’s ok to have caked on hair, piss and beer on the back of the toilet when she’s only around in the mornings. But if she’s there any more than that, it’s only a matter of time before she starts “giving you a makeover.” So to avoid this, wipe down the sink, toilet and mirror. Make sure toilet paper is fully stocked. And replace the Playboys with something more gender-neutral.
Organize you computer: We’re not saying women are snoops, but they will definitely notice everything they’re not supposed to while using your computer. To avoid any mishaps, set-up two user accounts, one for the both of you and one fully password protected, so you aren’t the next victim of “just looking for presents online.”
Body hair grooming: These days, cutting down on your fur-to-skin ratio is nearly a must (unless she particularly digs it), so make sure to tidy-up around the creases, cut the nose hair, trim the ‘stache/beard and make sure it doesn’t look like you have hamsters growing on your back. Your penis will thank you.
Fingernails/toenails: Long nails on dudes are nasty. We’re not saying you need nubs, but if you can see more than a few millimeters of white at the end, it’s time to trim down those talons. And no matter what, make sure to keep them clean and dirt-free underneath at all times–think she’s going to let you get any nookie with those grimy mitts?
Hide your porn: Aside from locking down all your computer activity, be sure to put the rest of the porn somewhere out of sight. There may be a time when you might want to pull some out, to spice things up. But you want to make sure you decide when that time comes, and not just because she’s looking through your DVD collection.
Stash your bills: Just ’cause she’s now your girlfriend doesn’t mean she needs to know every detail of your life. Things like utility bills, bank statements and credit card payments are OK to keep to yourself. This may not be a big deal for some dudes, but she’ll respect you more in the long run for keeping your private stuff private, and out of her curious sight.
TiVo: Having a few good shows recorded for random nights-in always helps. Letting her know you’re an avid “Oprah” fan doesn’t. Clear out anything that might seem like a secret weirdo, and you’re good to go.
Pictures: Have them. Some of you with your family, some with your friends, and at least one of you with a dog–any dog–are good choices. But make sure to take down any of you and your ex. Your new muse doesn’t want see them, and you don’t want her to either–unless, she’s really, really ugly. And fat.
Showering frequency: It can be easy to get used to your own funk–when you have no one getting close enough to notice. So if you haven’t already, get into the habit of showering regularly, so she doesn’t know what a filthy slob you really are. Smelling good will give her once less reason to dump you the next time you F-up.
Teeth and breath care: Like showering, this one is mandatory. The cleaner your teeth and fresher your breath, the better. Brush, use mouthwash, and make sure to floss–it does wonders for your breath. Remember, no girl has ever complained about your yap smelling too minty, right?
Buy an iron: Even just owning an iron makes it seem like you care about how you look. Don’t worry, she won’t expect you to press your clothes every time, but having iron at your place is just as good.
Learn to Cook: We’re not saying you have to be Mario Batali, but knowing how to fully prepare a couple of meals (at least two) besides ramen and nachos will win you major points for when you need them. Salads are easy, and a must. For main courses, go for something light, like fish or pasta.
Food availability: While you might be able to survive entirely on Kool-aid, hot dogs and Ho-Hos, a woman cannot. Be sure to stock your fridge with at least two types of juice, some fruit, yogurt and something whole wheat. A little bit of chocolate is always a good idea, but don’t keep too much–you don’t want to imply you think she’s fat!
Housekeeping: Do the dishes, dust-off the shelves and night stand, put clean laundry in your dresser, dirty laundry in a hamper, vacuum the rugs, throw away garbage and anything that smells bad and put on clean bedding. All these sucky activities must be done on a regular basis, so get yourself in a schedule to keep up the illusion that you’re even remotely domesticated.
*Disclaimer: Doing everything on this list too soon–or too many of them, too well–might make her think you’re a) a closet serial killer, or b) gay. So pick a few that you know you can do. And remember, she won’t expect you to be perfect, just that you’re trying. And if she still complains, dump her. It’s not worth the effort.

2 thoughts on “From Manimal To Man In 13 Easy Steps”

  1. What's the big deal about Barry White? Nothing gets me hard faster than listening do a big ol' black dude singing about 'baby'…I don't get it.
    this hair grooming thing…you show a pic of a guy with lots of hair on his back and then you talk about nose hair…how about some tips for back hair removal?
    Now I'll have nightmares about Barry White shaving my back or something…thanks guys!

  2. "And if she complains, dump her. It's not worth the effort"
    Spoken like a true bachelor, Huzzah!!!!!

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