Don’t crap where you eat. Don’t dip your pen in the company ink. Don’t photo copy your butt cheeks and make it the desktop image on all the office computers. Anyone else think these rules are more bogus than beneficial? Same here. Being professional at the work is a style cramper and instead of decreasing sexual tension, I’d much rather up the awkward ante. Here are some tips for all you readers who want to do the same.
1. Create inappropriate chain e-mails
I’ve got news for all you chain e-mail addicts that think that anything you find on the internet is ripe for forwarding to any and everyone you know. It’s not. It’s obnoxious and clogs precious little space. They’re the Dane Cook routine of e-mails. So naturally, the more borderline gross ones you can send out, the better. Two chicks, One cup. Naked old people. Excremental malfunction’s. Jokes, videos and GIF’s of these nature are all fair game. Just don’t be shocked when you lose e-mail privileges middle school style.
2. Polygamous dating in the office
The ink and crapping and the whatnot all pertains to this little rule. If you’re a fan of standing at the water cooler making small talk with two people who you are “familiar” with (and who among us isn’t), then by all means date everyone in your office. See it’s fun because if you catch heat about something at work, you have a trump card. “Oh you’re waiting on my quarterly report? You’ll get it as soon as I get my boxers back from your place. It’s hard to crunch numbers when the twig and giggle berries are Free Fallin’ like Tom Petty.”
3. Say “That’s What She Said”
“The Office” might have caused this joke to be used by every knucklehead that just discovered they had naughty parts and it’s occasionally funny to joke about them. But as I learned during a debauchery filled weekend with my college friends recently, a well-timed “that’s what she said” joke can put the room in stitches. That goes doubly in the office. Because the only thing more fun than sharing an inappropriate joke with the 16-year-old CFO in a 40 year-old man’s body is sending the Tammy Tightwad who doesn’t find a good “TWSS” funny at all. “Why don’t you grow up?” “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
As someone who has an upper torso so sculpted that it could only have been sculpted on location at Mt. Olympus, I understand the desire to show off the goods. Loose clothing. Sleeves. Hidden midriffs. Not my cup of tea. I’d rather come to work wearing gym shorts and a white wife beater and actually call it a wife beater. The first thing people notice about you is your appearance, so you can imagine the thoughts that might run through your head if, say, a lady comes in for the day sporting a plunging neck lines and pants that hug her in all the right places.
5. Create innuendo
Sort of the same thing as “that’s what she said” but a little more risqué. I maintain that dropping random innuendo takes more skill than an off the cuff, non-sensical “what she said” joke. Plus as I said above, making people uncomfortable is why we’re here. So individual boundaries, be damned. If you hear something innocent and feel like turning the phrase, I say turn it. Turn it on its head. Turn the table like you’re a house DJ. At the very least, you sound wicked smart.
Work function’s are the special team touchdowns of the professional world: a big one can change the game in a way that nobody expects. Your guard is down, there’s probably booze involved and emotions will probably be high. Picture yourself at the company Christmas party with egg nog, some mistletoe and your own personal Pam Beasley or Jim Halpern. Needless to say, the story writes itself. And when that slip comes, and you know it’s only a matter of time, it’ll be delicious for all party’s involved. And by that, I mean the co-workers who get to bask in the awkward aroma. Swim in it!
Unless you are the aforementioned PB and J, your workplace courtship is on borrowed time. Something about mixing business and booty is flat-out poisonous. It’s no wonder human resources tries to steer you clear of it. Which means it’s natural that we all decide to just flat-out ignore protocol and go for it. Just be ready for it to fail and have to look at someone who you either are dangerously close to hating now OR who you never got to have a one-off bang session with. I bet it’s tough…