Guys are guys. If we weren’t guys, we’d be chicks. That’s just basic science. And since we are guys, we know there are certain things that we have to do, like drink beer, watch sports, and stare at hot women. It’s our duty, our responsibility, our genetic make-up. It’s just part of who we are and to deny it would be to deny that we are human, or ever wrong. Which is just plain silly.
However, there is a great deal more to being a guy than beer, sports, and women, and many guys are woefully unprepared to face the numerous challenges this world throws our way every day. To help remedy this shortfall, here I present a list of 6 things that many guys don’t know how to do, yet need to know to survive and thrive in these exciting, yet confusing times.
1. Start a fire – Some of you may think this skill is a relic of days long ago and is no longer relevant, but if you have never started a fire, you are missing out on one of the real joys of life. It’s another of those genetic things. If you have beer, fire, and a woman, you’re pretty much set for life. And it could even save your life some day. Theoretically. So to start a fire obtain some crumpled paper or other good starter material and place small sticks atop as depicted in the video below, then light the paper and presto, you have a raging fire! And hopefully you haven’t burned down the forest or the neighborhood. Also, be careful not to spill your beer.
2. Open a beer bottle without a bottle opener – There are many ways to do this, but the easiest is to use a plastic lighter. Once you have mastered this, you can use the same basic leverage/prying principle to open bottles using all kinds of things, including silverware, coins, sticks, cigar cutters, your friends tooth, your girlfriend’s lipstick case, pretty much anything with a hard edge. The process is a little difficult to describe, so check out the following video and practice, practice, practice.
3. Find the Clitoris – Most guys hopefully know where this little gem hides, but if you don’t, then you better find it ASAP because you are either 1. still a virgin or 2. have a girlfriend who is getting laid by somebody who does know how to find the clitoris. So get cracking!
4. Perform basic first aid – We guys live a dangerous existence, always putting ourselves at risk to save others, and as a result, we often end up with broken bones, deep lacerations, and bong burns. Knowing how to treat these various wounds is essential to the survival of your friends. So if you like your friends, learn first aid. If you don’t like them, skip to item #5 on this list.
5. Start a conversation with anybody (and make new friends) – Whether the object of your interest is a smoking hot babe that makes you slur your words, or the boss of your company who doesn’t know you exist, there are times when you would be well advised to introduce yourself and start a conversation. For some guys this is easy, for the rest of us, we need to practice. But the most important thing to remember is to be friendly, maintain good eye-contact, and show interest. It also helps to picture them naked. Course, most of us are already doing that most of the time anyways. See the video below for more tips.
6. Ask for directions (without sounding like a helpless, directionless, unmanly loser) – Women always complain that we don’t ask for directions. They seem to think that just because they have no idea which way north is that neither do we. Obviously this is hardly ever the case. But even still, there will be certain times when you will want to stop and get help, usually because the directions you were given are misleading, bad, or just plain wrong. If you find yourself in this situation, just pull over to a gas station, hotel, or store of some sort, and inform the attendant that you were given horrible directions and are having trouble figuring out where your destination is. This way your girlfriend won’t think you’re “pig-headed” and the attendant will be assured that you are a man with directional sense and are merely the victim of some idiot who doesn’t know how to give directions. Easy as pie.