6 Ways To Screw Up Online Dating

Say what you will about online dating — it’s creepy, full of killers, just plain dumb. But it’s a sign of the times, gentlemen, and yields more value than trolling around Facebook looking for former classmates gone fat. At the rate you’re going, you’re just a hair away from winding up on DontDateHimGirl.com.   Here’s how to look better on what is – OK fine – a little sad and borderline shady activity.  Just tell that to the millions of people who’ve had success on there.  Follow these tips and you might be one of them.

1.  Snapshot

Guys love to say they don’t have many pictures of themselves, so they often post portraits of everything from their junior prom to first failed marriage.   But c’mon, your senior picture…from high school?  Do you really think she’s not going to figure out how way off it is when you meet?

Rule of thumb: If she couldn’t pick you out of a police lineup from your profile pic, don’t go with that one.   Ditto for token self-taken cell phone shots in the mirror.  They don’t make you look “so cool” that you can’t be bothered with this.  Instead, you look a creepy loner ‘cause you have no one else around to take a damn picture for you.  Best to sport a normal shot without other dudes around, especially if they’re hot.  I mean, that’s just not right.

2.    Shirtless Pics

OK, so the first question that comes to mind is: Why are you naked?  Truth be told, this may actually work for some of you semi-naked people — if you want an equally naked chick in her profile.  But the bottom line remains: To the vast majority of the population, a shirtless guy with a big tan and (usually) buff bod screams A) full of himself, B) Needs to prove himself, which could be a problem down the line C) “The Situation,” which may or may not be bad depending on how you feel about fist pumps.

3. Ex’s and Oh (… brother)

At a club, it might be great if hot girl is rubbing up on you … if you ease past her — for us.   But on a profile, there’s no need to post an engagement-style or bar photo of you and a past flame.  The girl may make “Jersey Shore” girls look like Miss America, but that doesn’t matter.  Surely you can find a way to flaunt the one thing we’re evaluating: you.

4. First-Email Proposals

Let’s be real: flattery gets you everywhere.  So tell every girl her pictures are beautiful and her profile stands out in the abyss on online dating.  You’ll make her smile.  But you still don’t know this girl.  Laying it on too thick will sound disingenuous or even a little crazy.  Though laying it on too little could sound generic. Best to make like you read her damn profile, liked it, and even lie and say why she stands out.  Most people have insecurities, and if she didn’t, being on a dating site should do it.

5. The Talk All You Want Plan

… gets you nowhere — if you haven’t met.  You could be Hemingway in prose, J. Timberlake on the phone, Tiger Woods on text, and have your wedding planned before the first date. But when you meet, all of that goes out the window … and you start from square one.  Chris Rock once said, “When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t meet them, you meet their representative.” Their representative is even more misleading online.  So just meet.  It’s a more realistic assessment and less waste of your time.

6. Down and Out / “I’m Bored”

Sure, not everyone’s Little Miss Sunshine. We get it.  But before someone knows the good about you, it’s easy to walk away at the first signs of woeful complaining about girls you don’t want to meet, or being overly negative about life or anything else.  It’s not being fake, it’s feeling out your audience.  In this case, they’re perfect strangers who you’re trying to attract.  So lay off the whining until she breaks down and complains about everything under the sun.  Then you can jet, or let it all out.

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