How To Be The Best Wingman Ever

Summer is almost over and for many that means a lot of last minute booze, partying, and a healthy dose of hooking up. For some, the art of conquering conquests is as easy as popping off a shirt( revealing a body on the level of the Jersey Shore God’s themselves), flashing a smile, and spitting minimal game. For the rest of us though, the best way to rack-up hotties is by having a great wingman. So for all of you aspiring wingmen out there, here are five tips that can help you become the ultimate hook-up artist.

1) Know Your Role and Embrace It

It seems simplistic, but this is by far one of the most important aspects of the wing. You have to understand that you’re there first and foremost to help your friends get some action. Anything that comes to you while playing the wing position is strictly a bonus. Also you need to know what kind of wing you are. Are you a pass-first wing — meaning you’re always  eager to drop a dime in a friends lap– or are you a defensive wing – -meaning you’re ready to swat away all sorts of unwanted advances from any Ugly Betty types looking to take advantage of your teammates long night of drinking.

2) Be Aggressive

Being a wing is all about mentality, so sometimes you have to look like an ass to get some ass. If things aren’t happening, you make them happen. As a wing you will forever and always be a facilitator, someone who makes things happen when no one else can. Don’t be afraid to go after what you want. Now, we’re not talking about Ben Rothlisberger style aggressiveness here, because a court room is no place for a wingman, but more just shedding an inhibitions you might have about getting rejected by a complete stranger. When in doubt, just ask yourself “How would George Clooney pick up women during the ‘Roseanne’ years” and follow his lead.

3) Love Is A Battlefield

Playing wing isn’t always pretty. To be honest after double-digit shots of liquor just expensive enough to impress everyone around the bar, it can be downright ugly. So this third piece of advice once again comes from the loveable “gorilla juice heads” off the Jersey Shore, beware of grenades. You never know when, you never know how or why but grenades are real. Oh what’s that? Your buddy just met an aspiring model who’s only in for the weekend and wants to see what the city is all about…nice! Hmm…what’s that now about her best  friend who’s also a model, oh a hand model sorry, and just happens to still be sporting pit stains and the faintest hint of mustache? As a wing, it’s your duty to fall on that grenade for a friend, if you’re not willing to do so, maybe serving as a wingman just isn’t the right position for you.

4) Drink…

Early on in your career, as shallow and demeaning as it sounds, as a wing it’s your job to deal with the ugos, the annoying friends, the hairy in all the wrong places types, STI riddled friends. Pain and simple. What you choose to do with them while you’re playing wing is up to you, but you MUST occupy them enough to keep your homies from getting blockaded from their ultimate goal. So take it from a grizzled vet, if you know things are going to get ugly, get drunk. Sure it’ll make for a more shameful morning but hey, it’s better than a well-remembered night right?

5) Let Your “Thirst” Be Your Guide

Thirst is hard to explain, some want to call it being horny, others simply think it refers to being a slut, neither are true however. To be “Thirsty” is to have an unquenchable urge or desire for something. No matter how much you get you’re never truly satisfied. It’s when a wing reaches this higher  state of being that good things begin to happen. You helped a friend hook two hotties by the pool last night? So what, you should both be back on the prowl tonight. You’ve got one guy in bed right now and two more texting you asking what you and your girlfriends are doing later? Good, text them back and tell them that you’ll be over in 15 minutes. Thirst may not always lead you into making the best of decisions but it always has your best interests in mind. Remember, there is no rest in your everlasting journey for satisfaction. As the most interesting man in the world says: “Stay thirsty my friends.”

Sezmi Rules
Sezmi Rules