Vampires Suck surprisingly didn’t suck at the box office, sucking its way to numero dos. Proof yet again that America can’t get enough of Twilight even when it’s mocked for 90 minutes straight. Lottery Ticket didn’t really hit the jackpot but still beat out Piranha 3D, which WILL HAVE A SEQUEL despite coming in at #6. I don’t think that’s ever happened in the history of flesh-eating fish pics. Nanny McFartface banged her way to the eight slot right under The Switch.
A movie about bank robbers? What will they think of next?! Five heist masters are so good, the police don’t have a damn clue. That is, until the stakes are raised to such an astronomical level they lose their heads and leave the door open for the po po to track them down. Will their mistakes come back to haunt them or will they sail off into the sunset with fat wallets and no worries? Let’s see here… Heat, Reservoir Dogs, Dog Day Afternoon, Bonnie and Clyde, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Inside Man, Point Break, The Mask, Set It off, Out of Sight, Fun with Dick & Jane, Hancock, The Dark Knight, Public Enemies, Ocean’s Eleven through Eighty, and the upcoming Ben Affleck vehicle The Town… no, you’re right, we definitely need another movie about bank robbers. Film stars Rihanna beater Chris Brown, Matt “Don’t call me Drama” Dillon, rap superstar T.I., Avatar and Star Trek chick Zoe Saldana, Fast and the Furious wheelman Paul Walker, and the man who played Anakin but blew it with Bilson Hayden Christensen
I’m a grown ass man (EDITOR’S NOTE: Not an “ass man” I’m more of a boob guy) and I still can’t even bring myself to watch the trailer or previews for this flick. Girls are scary enough, now you’re telling me they can be possessed by the devil and eat you alive? I thought “Maneater” by Nelly Furtado was figurative? This supernatural thriller is presented as “found footage” from a troubled evangelical minister’s last exorcism, in which he works on a farmer’s daughter and lets a documentary crew film. Sounds like a pretty decent Saturday night. Movie’s tagline is “If you believe in God, then you must believe in the Devil.” I don’t believe in God and I still believe in the Devil. Matter of fact, something tells me that upcoming M. Night Shyamaylan flick, “Devil” will win Best Documentary at the Oscars.
Way back before quadruple digits, a Celtic clan is running roughshod across the land. They take a Centurion prisoner after killing the sh*t out of his troop. Meanwhile a Roman politician wants to peace out and return to Rome so he dispatches a legion of warriors under the command of General Titus Flavius Virilus. Uh, really? That’s his name? Is he the virile, boob-loving ascendant of Flava Flav? Well, he’s in luck because the Roman gov’nuh provides him with a mute female scout played by Bond girl Olga Kurylenko. I like my female scouts like I like my Katy Perry music videos: mute.
A young Asian woman loves sex. Who doesn’t, right? Oh right… 99% of women. Well, she has so much sex she has to make baseball cards of her conquests to keep track. One day she discovers she’s pregnant. This is the story of her quest to find the baby daddy and convince him to marry her before the baby is born. At one point in the trailer someone mentions that sluts are just women with” the morals of a man”. I personally love sluts. What’s not to love? I don’t get guys who scoff at or condemn sluts. They show you some love and you act like you won a playoff game. Haha, beat you! SCOREBOARD! It’s too bad I was born with some kind of genetically engineered slut repellent. I got Bud Fox over her telling me this chick’s a sure thing, next thing I know she has a headache and an early morning class tomorrow.
A “friendly” dinner party turns ugly when relationships fall apart and infidelity / adultery pops up like pimples before prom night. I always find it amusing to watch a couple coast through a relationship knowing full well that each of them has a breaking point – a point where it just takes a certain type of person to completely alter their course. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. I can’t bring myself to do it. If I can’t resist, I’ll email, text, fax, and call my gf to let her know things aren’t going to work out. I don’t know how anyone can plan and execute an affair without microwaving their face out of guilt. What’s worse? I know girls who KNOW their man constantly cheats and they still want to be with him. Why? “Cuz he’s a ‘sex machine‘.” There you have it, guys. You can cheat as long as you F like a belt-wearing title holder.
A brother and sister are best of friends. (*cough* bullsh*t *cough*). Sis is about to get married, Bro is a talkative teen who growing into his own as a person and as a sexual being. Then, they’re kidnapped and forced to f*ck. I’m pretty sure they’re forced to f*ck. I mean, look at the poster. Every synopsis I’ve read boils down to them doing something unspeakable and shocking. They’re not killing puppies, splicing human DNA with rat DNA, or cloning possessed farmer’s daughters while held captive. “Nothing will be the same again”? That’s something you say when you F your sister, dude. I should know… wait, what?
Hang ten, dudes. This documentary follows several different story lines during professional surfing‘s two month-long Triple Crown competition held each year on the North Shore of Oahu (Hawaii). There’s real life drama (is this real life?), humor, death-defying waves, rivalries, parties, heart-break, romance, injuries, and humanity as competitors from across the globe take on Hawaii’s 7 Mile Miracle. I honestly didn’t think surfers had drama. I thought they were all like, “Whatever, let’s smoke a bowl.” I spoke with a female surfer down at the Jersey Shore and I could honestly see her daydream. Vivid and spectacular. Okay, now, POP UP! Not so fast. POP UP! Too slow. Do less.
Call me a cynical, jaded bastard, but what in the world did Nick Saban do to deserve a documentary? Aren’t there about a million coaches out there more deserving of a feature length silver screen tribute than the guy who bolted from LSU and f’d over the Dolphins? Like isn’t this guy one of the most hated figures in sports? This “captivating portrait of one of the most influential and polarizing figures in American sport today” features interviews with former players, friends, and gridiron greats like Pats head coach Bill Belichick, Bill “Big Tuna” Parcells, Broadway Joe Namath, and Bobby “I put the F U in FSU” Bowden. Like, are you kidding me? I’d rather watch biopics on ANY of those figures over Saban. Is this some kind of propaganda created by a secret Saban subcommittee to sway overwhelming public opinion? When he appeared on screen during “Blind Side” people left the theater.
Fausta is suffering from an illness transmitted through the breast milk of women who were raped or mistreated during the war of terror in Peru. Seems like a pretty wide-ranging spectrum. What do you consider to be “mistreated”? Someone call her a prude? Anyway, the war ends but the illness continues. The sudden death (OVERTIME!!!) of her mother (oh, sorry) forces her to face her fears and the secret she’s been hiding inside…she’s inserted a POTATO into her vagina so nobody will touch her. I’m gonna be as simplistic as possible… I mean really milk, milk, lemonade, this is where the fudge is made type simplistic. Point to her cooch and say, “tater” then to her boobs and say, “tots”. This chick’s name is officially Tater Tots. Come on, Napoleon!
The story revolves around a compulsive gambler who wins a rather hefty sum of money and throws a party to celebrate. After wildin’ out, he collapses on the floor and wakes up in the hospital where he learns that he has only 90 days to live. He abandons all other plans and moves into a hospice where the stories of his inmates change his life forever. Or for the next 90 days until he croaks. The title is Hindi for “Wishes”. I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish i had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a ’64 Impala. What is Skee-Lo doing RIGHT NOW? [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bnmeP9m9f4]
The young men of a Punjabi village fall prey to drugs, become irresponsible and disturb the peace. The blueheads (aka “elders”) worry about the future of the community. An Indian Naval officer returns home and promises to whip the young men into shape, right what is wrong, and put everyone’s worries to rest. Is this the Indian version of “Major Payne” starring Damon Wayans? Hey, according to Mrs. Bill Clinton, it takes a village… to do what? I have no idea… prevent your husband from cheating? Too bad “Change of Plans” didn’t come out in ’92.
A veteran of the Algerian War returns home to live with his parents but is quickly seduced by a life of wrongdoing and soon moves swiftly up the criminal ladder. After pulling off an audacious heist he and his lover flee to Canada only to be lured out of hiding by one last big payout. These guys and their thievery. It’s always, “I gotta get out of the game. This will be my swan song.” You’re telling me they hit this one and they walk away forever? Come on. That’s like a chubby chaser saying, “This is my last fat chick. I swear I’m going to raise my standards. I just need this one…last…oinker.” I hear ya, man. In the battle of bank robber flicks, I’d actually go with this one over Takers. See that? Brought it back full circle. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3TnmWfOvW0&hd=1]