A Quick History of The Laser

LASER: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation – electromagnetic radiation, which is basically light all juiced up, allowing itself to be undoubtedly the greatest achievement of the human race. Save for maybe Megan Fox. The following is a comprehensive time-line traversing the history of the laser:
1917 – Albert Einstein lays the foundation of the laser with theories in his paper On the Quantum Theory of Radiation. Big shocker there. Einstein is responsible for just about everything, from the Atomic Bomb to time-travel, which in turn lead to the creepy finger coming out of Donnie Darko, making Einstein yet another jew in Hollywood.

1953 – Charles H. Townes produces the first microwave amplifier, called a ‘Mazer’, which operates on the same principles as the laser but amplifies microwaves rather than light radiation. The only distinction between the mazer and the laser is that one cooks a hot pocket, while the other obliterates it.
1960 – In Malibu, California, Theodore H. Maiman invents first working laser at the Hughes Research Laboratory. The first seven hundred experiments, Dee-Dee blew to smithereens.

1964 – Goldfinger, starring Sean Connery, depicts the famous psudo-sadist scene where a slow moving laser threatens to cut 007 in half, from the dork up. This created one of the most memorable scene in 20th Century cinema and the best game for the Nintendo 64 as long as no oneĀ  played as Oddjob.
1973 – The laser spawns the bar code which subsequently spawns a whole slew of shitty tattoos.

Early 1970s – The laser light show becomes popular, ushering in hordes of hallucinogenic hippies into concerts and planetariums. By 1980, the smell in all planetariums became intolerable.

1977 – George Lucas creates Star Wars where several weaponized versions of the laser are depicted. This introduced a whole new train of thought about laser onto the public. It also birth an entirely knew category of social depravity.
1982 – Sony releases first ever compact disk player to the public called the CDP-101. This media usage of the laser revolutionized the production and the quality of music and movie into the home. Eventually, like all inventions, it was used as means to sell pornography.
Mid 1980s – The Laser Background becomes available for grade school children during picture day. The Laser Background was first implemented an attempt to identify the future leader of the robotic holocaust through their uncanny ability to keep a smile during a laser ridden battlefield. Over time, the Laser Background made the distinction between the children with an extra 30dollars to blow, and those children who ate 25cent lunches.
1987 – Konami releases Contra for the Nintendo Entertainment System and arcade. The laser gun featured in the game rendered the player, who as this point is habitually hitting ‘A’ to fire their gun repetitively, completely harmless as the laser shot never gets beyond two feet of the character.

1990 – Jim Starr stars as Laser on the hit television program American Gladiator. Coincidentally, Laser was the only gladiator to last all six of the original seasons. Having nothing to do with amplified radiation, American Gladiator was by far the most badass sport event imaginable. Never before were tennis balls and nerf guns considered brutal.
2000 – Laser technology has progressed enough that the hand held laser pointer becomes available to the public for low prices. Since, every movie, concert, sporting event, and grade school bus ride has been tainted.
2006 – After the Great War, nuclear fallout as devoured the earth. Cats have developed the ability to shoot lasers from their mouths. Nitro and Admiral Spaceship use said cats to rescue an unknowing princess from the forces of evil. The battle still wages.

2009 – Approaching the fiftieth anniversary, lasers could not have achieved more. Like sandwiches and lomography, lasers rein supreme on the trendy food chain. So much so that one lonely soul creates a comprehensive timeline of them. He has no excuse.

6 thoughts on “A Quick History of The Laser”

  1. hysterical and surprisingly well researched. I don't mean to split hairs here but think 'fox' was a type-O, it's ok, we all know 'bates' it where it's at.

  2. Pingback: autoblog1 » Kelly Brook Brings The Links

  3. Pingback: Nikki Sanderson and The Week That Was: May 18th – May 23rd : COED Magazine

  4. The N64 game was Goldeneye not Goldfinger. Although the movie was about a satellite that shoots a EMP laser from orbit so I guess you can tweak it a bit for that.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.