Resident Evil Afterlife showed Takers a thing or two about taking by snatching away the top spot from The American, which is really in poor taste considering 9/11 was Patriot Day. Katie Holmes’ Big Chill knock-off The Romantics had the highest per screen average debuting on two screens. This week’s entries feature hmmm, I dunno, SATAN! Also releasing are flicks featuring robbers, whores, and cartoon dogs. Atone for your sins, y’all and repent like it’s hot, ‘cuz these previews are straight up sinful.
Okay, so how many more mediocre films with M. Night Shyamalan‘s attached can bomb before he’s forced to go on hiatus? Well, my gut says THIS is the one picture that will totally redeem him. The story follows five strangers trapped in a Philadelphia office tower elevator who experience many strange and terrifying events the lead them to believe the Devil is amongst them in human form. Come on, it’s Philly. Isn’t everyone the Devil in human form there?
Four thieves from the tough streets of Charlestown, MA take on a Boston bank at gunpoint. One of the gunmen falls in love with the bank’s manager, which you never do. Kind of like falling in love at the Jersey Shore, right, Ronnie? Anyway, the dude manages to catch up with the hot bank manager (what is this? A porno?) sans mask and gun, and the two grow close. He wants to get out of the robbery game and live a new life with this chick but he just HAS to rob Fenway Park first. Pissah! Cast includes Ben Affleck in the lead role, Mad Men‘s Jon Hamm as the FBI agent on the case, The Hurt Locker’s Jeremy Renner, and Gossip Girl Blake Lively. They keep mentioning The Departed in the promos, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
An 8 year-old child prodigy artist in rural Michigan sends a young New York photographer a painting of one of his photographs. They become Facebook friends, which eventually leads to the photog to Abby’s attractive older half-sister Megan, a singer/songwriter/dancer. The photog decides to make a documentary of his voyage to meet Megan, but on his way he learns her songs aren’t real then discovers the 8 year old isn’t a prodigy and her mother is actually the artist and “Megan” is simply her creation. What happens next will blow your mind out of your skull into an 8 year old’s lap, which will help prevent that little girl from EVER lying about being a prodigy and having a smokeshow sister. For your health!
A nerdy hot high school chick pretends to lose her virginity to her gay friend and the entire school absolutely loses their collective sh*t over it. Several boys see the gay kid has become a god so they want in on the action. The fake ‘whore’ agrees and eventually turns the hobby into a business. She’s met with harsh criticism from a strict, conservative religious zealot (who’s also hot) played by Amanda Bynes. To further convince schoolmates she’s a dirty dirty girl, she affixes a scarlet “A” to her outfit. But, then, she falls for the class stud and is forced to come to terms with her lies and manipulation. Cast features the aforementioned Bynes as the antagonist, Emma Stone as the leading lady, Thomas Haden Church and Lisa Kudrow.
Alpha and Omega
Two wolves from the same pack in a Canadian national park are on opposite ends of the social order. The chick dog is an alpha (dominant). The dude dog is an Omega (submissive). WHOA, role reversal! You guys see that? They flipped the script on us! Totally did NOT see that coming. Talk about progressive filmmaking. I’m a changed man. Anyway, Omega dude dog has a crush on Alpha female dog. Of course, she’s scheduled to marry some other alpha dog but before that happens she and the omega dog are drugged and taken to Idaho to repopulate their species. Score! I am SO ready to repopulate if the world needs me to. I’ve been practicing.
Never Let Me Go
Story takes place in a dystopian Britain, in which human beings are cloned to provide donor organs for transplants. UH, HELLO?!?! I think we covered that with 2005’s The Island starring Jude “Long Arm of the” Law and Scarlett “Letter” Johansson. Anyway, the three main characters are classmates who’ve been created to be donors. One of the donor’s recipients is an older version of herself that actually cares for donors while they die from giving up the goods. THAT’S gonna be an awkward convo.
Jack Goes Boating
Adapted from the acclaimed off Broadway play, this story centers on a limo driver whose blind date sparks a tale of love, betrayal, friendship, and grace centered around two working-class New York City couples. Cast includes Philip Seymour Hoffman (who also makes his feature directorial debut) and Michael Scott’s one time love interest from The Office, Amy Ryan. As Hoffman and Ryan’s characters become closer, the couple that introduced them grow further apart. I don’t know about you, but my pants are shrinking. Hey-o!
Sweethearts Of The Prison Rodeo
For more than six decades, the Oklahoma State prison has held an annual “prison rodeo” but it wasn’t until 2006 that female inmates were allowed to participate. This movie follows the convict cowgirls as they battle broncos and bulls to the delight of prison guards and the public. I REALLY like this line, “Part Wild West show and part coliseum-esque spectacle, it’s one of the last of its kind – a relic of the American penal system.” It’s like Gladiator meets 8 Seconds meets Caged Heat! Plus, the poster’s pretty cool, too.
Strap in and check out COED’s 88 Bucking Beauties photo gallery. You won’t last more than 8 seconds.
I Am Comic
Through unprecedented interviews, exclusive backstage access, and wonderful cheesy animation, you will poop your pants to their side-splitting observations, pull a hamstring at their insight, and pop multiple blood vessels in your eyeballs while on this harrowing journey with narartor, writer, interviewer, and stan up comedian Ritch Shydner as he seeks to recapture the magic. Interview subjects include Louis CK, Sarah Silverman, the Sklar Brothers, Jeff Foxworthy, Jim Gaffigan, Carrot Top, Kathy Griffin, Dave Attell, Janeane Garafolo, and The League’s Nick “Bobby Bottleservice” Kroll.