I’ve always been a pretty gay kid. I’ll admit it. I played with Barbies instead of GI Joes, baked cakes instead of fought with food, and wrote cursive instead of bad ass graffiti. So imagine my intrigue as soon as my entire fraternity became loyal disciples of a game called “Robot Unicorn Attack”. I thought to myself, “Robot? Hmm… Unicorn? Definitely… Attack? I’m in!”
As with most addictive drugs, the rules of the game are simple. Press [Z] to jump and [X] to dash/attack. After several rounds of play, this two-key process had created a virtual vortex of automated attack. I was hypnotized; melodically auto-tuned to Erasure’s “Always” (a track befitting any generation defining John Hughes movie), gasping at every missed point opportunity, and feeling no remorse or pain when my unicorn had come to a destructive death.
This is where the game gets you. Where the addiction develops and festers. You no longer have identifiable human emotions, aside from the ones necessary for you to function in the game. To advance and surpass the competition.
The Robot Unicorn world is a seductive and enchanting place. As you gallop to epic hymns, rainbow-jump from cliff to cliff, and find yourself constantly in pursuit of that next fairy or star to get your fix. The friends you once knew will be replaced by prancing dolphins along the way. The ones encouraging you to keep going. The trade-off? All of your troubles and other-worldly fears will be comforted by the knowledge that you can always “Click to chase your dreams again!”
Like with any hardcore drug, this game is best experienced in the privacy of one’s own home and secret from the harsh glare of the public. Keep reality in check every once in a while, and don’t fall complete prey to the chase, otherwise Robot Unicorn Attack will have you (and the time) flying forever.
Play the game now on Adult Swim or Facebook.
If you’re still feeling mega super uber gay, the slightly more masculine sequel “Robot Unicorn Attack: Heavy Metal” is now available as well.