Movies This Week: October 22nd, 2010

Jackass 3-D had the biggest opening for the Fall season ever. Yeah. Believe dat. Raked in $50+ million, doubling Red’s take of $21 mil. I Want Your Money, the doc about Obama’s policies averaged only about $460 per screen, making the film’s title the most ironic ever. This week’s entries feature psychics, poltergeists, polygamists, delusional kids, and trannies. Now that your plans of proposing to Maria Sharapova are officially shattered, you can focus on these previews…

© 2010 Warner Brothers

Warner Bros.
Three parallel stories converge at the end. Man, I can’t wait for the studio/production company/director with the balls to have them NOT converge. The expressions on the audience’s faces would be EPIC. Like, wait, I just watched almost 3 hours of this and the storylines have no bearing on each other? Kind of like an episode of Family Guy. Anyway, Matt Damon plays an American factory worker who’s able to communicate with the dead; There’s also a French television journalist who survives a tsunami, and an English boy and his brother who’s killed in a car accident. Cast includes the aforementioned Matt Damon (who I’m NOT f*cking), my future ex-wife Bryce Dallas Howard, and Jay Mohr. Atta boy, Jay! By the way, it’s directed by Clint Eastwood who’s so badass, even his description of the film is awesome, “it’s a chick flick. But one that men will like too. Or at least one that won’t make them want to stick a Swiss Army Knife in their leg.” Note to chick flick marketers: be a little more macho when promoting your sh*t to dudes.

© 2010 Paramount Pictures

Paranormal Activity 2
Paramount Pictures
I never saw the first film, but all I can remember are night vision reaction shots. For like a good week, I thought it was a movie about scared people in a theater. Anyway, this is the prequel to the original film, but the final five minutes serve as the sequel. Not sure if that’s a spoiler or not. Wikipedia didn’t seem to think so, so I’m rolling with it. A family responds to what they think are a series of break-ins by setting up security cameras. These cameras catch the perpetrator – THE BED INTRUDER! HIDE YA KIDS! HIDE YA WIFE! HIDE YA HUSBAND ‘CUZ HE RAPIN’ E’ERYBODY UP IN H’YAH! In all seriousness, I was terrified of poltergeists as a kid. Supposedly, dogs can sense them or something. Well, where the hell was my dog when I was getting straight up harassed? Thanks, Doc! Is this because I used to pull on your tail? Get over it!

© 2010 fiftyfilms

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend
A struggling writer decides to quit, and drinks off his defeat in a café (editor’s note: P*SSY). There, he meets a divorced waitress (played by my other future ex-wife Alyssa Milano) who lives with her brother. After a conversation, he gets up the nerve to ask her out. Shortly after he leaves, an attractive and confident ad exec comes in, and asks her out as well. So, she falls in love back to back times. Is this like a bad version of 50 First Dates meets Good Luck Chuck? Nope, it’s just my life story. Ask a pretty girl out, she says yeah and before we can get to date 1, she’s got some other way better dude feeding her grapes. Bitch, I got grapes! Film also stars Beau Bridges, who has one of top 10 actor names of all-time. OF ALL-TIME!
© 2010 Screen Media Films

Rising Stars
Screen Media Films
Three musical acts are challenged with creating music videos to win a big time prize and super stardom. The competition gets fierce and their lives are caught on tape broadcast to the nation. Thanks, American Idol. Thanks a lot. You’ve now led an entire f’n generation to think all it takes is a camera and gusto and they can rake in millions. Oh wait, sorry. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian taught them that. My B.

© 2010 Breaking Glass Pictures

Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives
Breaking Glass Pictures
Trannies are violently beaten and left for dead. After regaining consciousness they acquire knives and kill those who done them wrong.  A) What’s the point of beating up a tranny? Isn’t it just like beating up a woman? SIDE NOTE: I’ve watched a lot of porn in my day and every once in a while you glance at a thumbnail with some tran-action going on and I have to say those dudes…dudettes… whatever always pack some serious ammunition. B) I know the majority of people are dumb, but why do attackers leave their victims for dead? It’s really simple, bullet to the brain. Donezo. Anyway, this chicks with d*cks flick was produced on a budget of $300k. What? Did Tarantino pass?

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