What Your Cigarettes Say About You

Brands define you. Or perhaps, you define the brand. Whatever the case may be, there is a stigma to everything you touch, despite what you may think. Cigarettes are perhaps the boldest statement you can make, since they are so offensive, particularly to those around you who do not smoke. Here are a few of the major brands and the associations that come with puffing on them. Smoking is bad for you. But makes you look SO cool.

Marlboro Reds

The pinnacle of self destructive behavior. When you’re not herding cattle, shooting grizzly bears, or repairing barbed wire fences, you’re at the bar drinking straight alcohol without ice cubes or that little straw. You’re typically a loner, whether by choice or circumstance is beside the point. In your eyes, it’s you against the world, pedal to the metal, balls to the wall. You live life to it’s fullest, which is why you kill yourself so quickly.


Whether you like it or not, you are a connoisseur of fine turkish tobaccos. And people think you’re a douche. But you know the truth. The smoke you exhale all but clouds the aura of mystery that surrounds you. You enjoy a good read from time to time and value intellectual pursuits in some capacity. Your sense of humor is ever-present and well exercised. Your phone is full of friends and your inbox chocked full of texts. You can be someone’s best friend or worst enemy. You have a camel’s face, wear sunglasses indoors, sport a leather jacket, and love to play pool.

Lucky Strikes

You stormed the beaches of Normandy, raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Firebombed Tokyo, and bayoneted at least ten Krauts in the Battle of the Bulge. When you got home, you idolized James Dean, never took off your fedora, opened doors for your ladies, and always picked up the tab. You listen to rockabilly and have maybe single-handedly supported the oldest, dustiest cigarette the American distribution market has to offer.

Parliament Lights

You are glamorous, beautiful, fashionable, and NOT a smoker. If you were, you would buy real cigarettes. You love to be loved and portray the image of someone you are not. You’re probably a freshman or a sophomore who just started to grow into your party skin. The lights and sounds still dazzle you and you are floored by each new person you meet. But fear not, one day you will realize that people will love you for who you are. Now would be the time to stop buying Parliaments, so you can either start smoking or be content with the fact that you never started.


You’re black. Or have black friends. Or you’re from Chicago. You enjoy the sensation of gravel in your throat and needles in your lungs, as long as it comes with a heavy minty aftertaste. Good music plays an important part in your life, as does smoking a little reefer from time to time, or smoking a lot of reefer, always. You wear your emotions on your sleeves and love to experience all forms of physical stimulation. You’d be the perfect example of a human being, that is, if your lungs weren’t covered in crystalized menthol.


You’re over 40 or steal your cigarettes from your unemployed uncle. The name of this brand is ironic. It is anything but.

Virginia Slims

You suck. Additionally, you wear too much makeup and drink too many dirty martini’s. Still, you’ve come a long way baby, since you look like a California raisin when you wake up.

American Spirits

You’ve been around the block time and time again. You’ve traveled extensively and have no doubt hopped a freight train to Seattle at least once in your life. You used to party pretty hard, and occasionally will again, but those days are mostly behind you. You’re looking for a little stability and one less thing to worry about, which is why you buy cigarettes without industrial grade chemicals.


You desire to live in a time long passed. Your subversive, against the grain tendencies put you on the fringe of whatever crowd you run with. Which is Agrarian/Socialist in nature. You despise the internet, television, factory farming, and soda pop. The only photographs you take are 35mm black and white, and it takes you 25 minutes to brew one cup of tea.  You desire to be different but don’t realize that you already are. It takes a really special kind of person to carry around a little bag of shredded leaves EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

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