He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking. Every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: awful, terrible, despicable things chicks do to dudes during sex that they need to stop ASAP.
There are some pretty misleading sex advice articles floating around. I remember leafing through a copy of Cosmo when I was dating my first girlfriend and I was SHOCKED at the toro turd nuggets of misinformation they were spewing forth. It lead me to 2 theories:
1. The editors and contributors of Cosmo date and/or hook up with guys who patronize them for God knows what reason.
2. The editors and contributors of Cosmo are playing one helluva sick prank on its readers.
I always find it funny that women need any advice when it comes to sex. To me, the onus is on the guy to perform and the girl to direct – faster, slower, right there, harder, to the left, to the left, to the right, to the right, now dip, baby, dip.
Guys are pretty simple when it comes to pleasing us sexually. We don’t ask for much, yet these articles make it seem like we’re Rubix cubes of Fort Knox schematics. I’m not saying you should clock in and clock out – it’s always nice to mix it up, but you don’t have to pull sh*t out of left field to get it done. It’s difficult for a girl to really suck in bed, but here a couple ways they can:
1. Sucking of the nipples.
I’m not sure which one of the wiz kids at Cosmo tested this out and received the thumbs up, but men’s nipples could be the most pointless parts of the anatomy ever. Some guys might be into it. Majority of those guys most likely have nipple rings. If that’s the case, you have free license to ill, but to dedicate any more than a pinch, flick, or lick to the male nipple is a waste of time.
2. Machine gunning my junk.
I hooked up with a girl junior year and though she was fun to hang out with I couldn’t bear another session with her in the sack. She jerked my johnson so frickin’ hard, I thought she was being timed and a prize was involved. That transitioned to what I can only loosely call “a blowjob”, which was basically the same as the handjob with slightly more lubrication. I almost had an anxiety attack. My penis’s life flashed before its eye. This is it, I thought, she’s going to literally rip and/or bite my c*ck off. I’mma be a Ken doll for the rest of my days. I mean, WHERE’S THE FIRE? Luckily, I think she might’ve suffered whiplash forcing her to cease and desist.
From what I’ve heard through the grapevine, most female mags tell its readers to treat the meat stick like an ice cream cone. Sometimes they say to throw in a nibble. If you’re opposed to a beej, and you want to give a HJ (cheaper than a ZJ), please make sure you use SOME kind of moisture. Your spit, your secret bottle of KY, stick of butter, hand lotion – something slick to avoid making our warrior get road rash. Slow, long, and wet usually lead to bigger, better climaxes.
3. Finger in the ass.
Yeah, I know. What a double standard. Most guys plead, beg, borrow, and steal to get you to do anal, the girls that end up caving in rarely enjoy the experience. Yet, we’ll leave the country if you even hint at the possibility of putting anything near our bungholes. I’ve only had 1 or 2 girls try this on me and it’s an absolute boner killer. Almost impossible to bounce back from. Though, rubbing of the taint area is not all that bad, I tend to tense up and lose my focus because I know the next stop is my chocolate starfish. I don’t know how much easier to make this: focus on the dong and mind the stepchildren.
4. Talk sh*t.
Keep in mind, this is different from dirty talk. Talking dirty can really enhance the sexperience, but I don’t want to feel like I’m f***ing Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali. Some guys are super competitive and get off on being challenged. I like being challenged, but I also don’t want you sounding like the drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket”. You can be playful, you can tease, but when you start belting out, “Is that all you got?!” or “Aw, lil baby d*ck gettin’ tired?” you either A) make us see red, which takes us to our weird, bad place or B) has us focus more on awesome comebacks, thus distracting us from the task at hand. It can be demoralizing – best move is to keep things positive.
5. Choking, hitting, and/or scratching.
Again, some people are into this. But if you’re just getting into it with a new partner, you might want to hold off on the asphyxiation until the second or third date. It’s something you should probably discuss first. I thumbed a girl once… yes, THUMBED, and she got so excited that she left serious Wolverine-like gashes on my chest. The Red Hot Chili Peppers like pleasure spiked with pain, but for most dudes it can be scary. Plus, who knows if the guy sees that as a ticket to retaliate? Things could get bananapants real quick.
6. Stay silent.
So, trash talking is off limits and maybe you’re not so great with the dirty talk. But, if the only thing we hear are crickets and an occassional ball slap, it can be awkward. You don’t have to say anything award-winning but moaning or whispering “yes” goes a long way. Playing soft music can fill the void, but it’s rare you’ll both agree on something that won’t kill the mood.
7. Use teeth.
Chicks love vampires, which might explain why they like biting. I’ve had a couple girls tear layers off my lips during kisses and it’s frightening as f*ck. The sight of blood doesn’t turn me on. Likewise, I’m not looking to fly into the Danger Zone when you flash your pearlies near my pillar. It might look cool but it immediately sends shivers down my spine, inducing nightmarish premonitions. I begin to think, “Oh snap, is THIS how she gets me back for deleting The Bachelor?”
8. Treat our man juice like it’s sewage.
Again, a neat little double standard. We cringe at the thought of touching the guy goo, but then we marvel at the abilities of porn stars to take a load or five to the grill. Are we saying you HAVE to do facials or even pearl necklaces? Not at all. But, we also don’t want you freaking out and fleeing the scene if some gets on you or your sheets. That kind of reaction makes us feel like dogs who wet the rug.
9. The Dead Fish.
To me, you could do every other item on this list and still manage to have a decent sex life. But, you pull the dead fish and you are straight up F’d in the A. You can find a guy or three who might actually want you to digitize their bicycle spokes (see #3), or feed on their man boobs, or verbally belittle them. However, I defy you to find a dude other than a necrophiliac, who’s into a chick who just lays there. Why are you even having sex in the first place? As men, we have every right to turn up the heat when we see this maneuver – I’m talkin’ titty twisters, finger in the mouth, tongue in nostril, anything to snap you out of that maddening malaise.
I’m not saying girls should stop trying to improve their sex lives, but maybe put down Cosmo and pick up some high quality adult entertainment. See how the pros do it. Take notes. Most important of all, keep the lines of communication open before, during, and after. Practice makes perfect. So, get out there and get some strange ass. No more butthole surprises.
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