eHarmony recently published a list of things dudes shouldn’t say on their first date. First dates are pretty hit or miss. You either get over that initial awkward hump or you stumble and stutter through it. How much you f up will determine second date status. Judging by my years of failures, it’s probably best to keep your mouth shut, play your cards close, and employ the David Caruso in Jade technique made popular in the 40 Year Old Virgin (read: ask a lot simple questions in a provocative manner). Anyway, here’s their list along with my commentary on whether or not they’re right.
10. “I’ve actually never been in a serious or long-term relationship.”
Women are a fickle bunch – they don’t want a virgin but they don’t want a player. They have a tendency to read too deeply into what’s said or written. I mean, what’s “serious”? What’s “long-term?” As every girl reading this jumps to the comments section, thinking that they know the answer, lemme clue you into something – I knew a guy who dated a girl for 7 years…. 7 YEARS without any intention of marrying her. That’s not serious. Long-term maybe. But what does long-term mean other than “I have a lot of patience”. If this sends a chick screaming for the hills, you shouldn’t worry about it, she probably sucks anyway.
9. ““I hate labels like ‘girlfriend.’”
Sh*t, I do, too. It has probably one of the worst connotations and the murkiest of meanings. You’re with a f*ck buddy and you run into some friends, you introduce her as your girlfriend and people assume you’re together. The girl gets bugged out and doesn’t answer your booty calls anymore. Or you’re with a friend who’s a girl, intro her as girlfriend, people think you’re f*cking and the chick you mack it to gets all weirded out thinking you’re cheating or taken. I prefer “PIC” partner in crime, lover, or bed buddy. Even wifey is better and I hate that term.
8. “My ex is actually home watching my kids right now.”
Uh… yeah. As Marty McFly might say, “That’s heavy, Doc.” If you don’t know by now that bringing up ex-gfs on the first date is not cool then you should be checked for alzheimer’s. No one wants to know about anyone’s romantic past, which is amazing to me. Like, oh I’m going to start completely fresh with this person and assume he or she’s never been with anyone else. If he or she has, that other person that were inside or had inside them was a disease free plastic doll without genitals. I gotta admit, though, must be tough being a single parent. But, hey, if Teen Mom is anything to go by you can expect to end up on magazine covers!
7. “I’d love to see you in a dress next time.”
Yeah. I would. For crying out loud, show some goddam skin. It’s like the women who won’t show their picture on their profile. I want you to get to know the REAL me. Shut up. Seriously. Either you’re fugly as f*ck or you’re way too insecure to be seen in public. Men are visual beings. You know why we want to see you in a dress next time? Because we think you’d look hot in it. Is that such a bad thing? We think you might look hot? Encouraging, yes?
6. “Can you believe she put out a restraining order on me?”
Restraining orders are never fun. No matter how many I get. But, seriously, can you believe that sh*t?
On a side note – okay, so, first dates aren’t the time to dive into the deep stuff, but when … if ever… do you break out the hard to swallow sh*t? Never? I’m going with never. But, don’t act all surprised when you find out fifth hand, ladies. Tiffany’s husband used to be a barely legal porn-addicted cokehead who was into torturing animals, so ease up on the judgment day demeanor.
5. “My friend John is such a jerk. He really pissed me off last night…”
Well, I loaned my one-hitter, he then gave it to his ex-gf, and he still owes me $20 for the last dimebag I gave him. In all seriousness, where do we live? Fantasy Land? Where all friends are super cool and hella tight with each other? I would actually LOVE to hear the rest of that story because it’s probably the t*ts. John’s the kinda guy you want to hit the bars with because that dude has no shame. And, just as this lil’ song and dance works at the bars, sh*tting on your friend to make you look better will score you points as long as you do it the right way. Always talk trash with a laugh and a smile!
4. “Let’s hang out again tomorrow.”
Alright, come on, girls. What’s the deal? We wait 3 days to call and that’s too long. You tell us, if you like us so much, call! It doesn’t matter if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours later. What a bunch of liars! So, the date’s going well, you’re getting along, you have tickets to a concert or a game and the moment seems right, you can’t break this out? F*** you! Chicks love rules, man. Rules that are forever amorphous. Keep retweeting Rev Run, you unoriginal piece of dog doo doo.
3. “Actually, I still live with my ex.”
Again, any mentions of the ex are off limits unless it’s, I’m so glad my ex set us up on this date. Even that’s pushing it. It’s very rare that relationships end amicably, even rarer that you end up being besties with the former flame. Living with the ex? That’s intimidating. But, come on, rent’s so damn expensive these days, roommates cut the cost down.
2. “I’d like you to meet my good friend Mike.”
I’m on the fence with this one. I see how that could be rude and presumptuous but, it also signals to the girl that you actually HAVE friends and that you’re social, outgoing, etc. It also shows her you’re busy, that you have an active day and nightlife schedule. To be honest, it brings her down a peg. Lets her know she’s not the highlight of the evening, BUT it does make her want to be the focus of your spotlight. I say, nothin’ wrong with inviting a friend out to meet up after the date. That way, date goes bad, out with buddy to pick up another girl, date goes well, she meets your friend and he plays your wingman, making you look good. Plus, you did say “good” friend – not many people can say that.
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