He Said/She Said is COED’s dating, sex, and relationship debate series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate… you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: 7 things men just don’t understand about women.
You know that song by DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Will Smith, “Parents Just Don’t Understand“? CollegeHumor converted it into a pretty lol column. Well, as painful as the generation gap used to be, many would say it’s narrowed since the advent of technology – that parents are more open-minded. However, there are still new challenges facing them… thanks to technology. D’oh! Moms poke their sons on Facebook. Dads DM (or fail miserably to DM) their daughters on Twitter, but they still don’t understand. The same holds true for the “sex” gap. With information about each gender becoming more readily available via the interwebs and books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, you’d think we’d all be rubbin’ uglies like rabbits while the divorce rate dropped to zero. But, that’s not the case. There are a billion things I don’t get about women, but here’s my list of 7 things that stand out the most.
1. HOROSCOPES / PALM READERS
Remember when it was reported there was a 13th astrology sign? Women’s heads everywhere immediately exploded. Twitter chicks couldn’t flip out fast enough. Who am I? What am I? I’ve been living this way my entire life thinking I’m X when I’m really Y? Time to go f*** that new Scorpio I was supposed to avoid. Jesus, take control of your own life and make your own fate. It’s unreal how much girls read into this sh*t. Well, they read into everything too much, but these two pastimes specifically. It’s why most hook ups or relationships fail. He said this. He did that. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Analysis leads to paralysis. Women will talk to they’re blue in the face about who they are, what they want, how they feel, their rules/beliefs, then they’ll go out get hammered and completely go against everything they previously said. Hilarious.
2. SAME SEX HATRED / CATTINESS
While there is a general conception that men constantly compete with each other to obtain alpha male status, women straight up LOATHE each other for little to no reason. The comments and criticism starts as soon as a girl lays eyes on another girl. Oh my god, she’s wearing that dress? Hideous. Those shoes? Gross. Make-up? Whore. CALM…DOWN. Dudes measure each other up but we at least try to give the guy a chance before we throw him in the DOUCHE bin. I know, as humans, it’s impossible to avoid judging someone, but women are RUTHLESS when it comes to talking about other women. The back-stabbing, name-calling, etc. If a guy has a problem with another guy they either A) fist fight, B) avoid/dismiss each other, or C) hash it out over one too many drinks. Brittany is such a slut, can you believe she made out with that guy? And she keeps talking about how healthy she is, she ate like 4 cupcakes at lunch yesterday. Don’t even get me started on how she missed 3 out of 4 of my birthday parties last month. Get a grip. If women bonded, men might get laid less… or more. I DON’T F***ING KNOW!
Jesus Christ, ladies. Chill OUT with the f***ing bags! You don’t need all that sh*t on you at all times. You guys already have enough emotional baggage (ZING!), so why add to your stress with 3 bags on each arm? There’s the grandma bag – you know EXACTLY which one I’m talking about – the clutch (which is the most ridiculous accessory known to man), the gym bag, the shopping bags… I’m getting winded just typing about it. I see these chicks struggling to get onto the subway, into cabs, onto the bus, pissing off other passengers/riders and I’m like what in the holy f*** could you possibly be carrying in those? Is Armageddon here?
We all know that scene in Along Came Polly where Ben Stiller’s character comments on Jennifer Aniston’s ABSURD number of pillows. That wasn’t hyperbole. That was the most realistic depiction of a girl’s bed I’ve ever seen in a movie. Those pillows serve NO PURPOSE whatsoever. You just throw them off the bed only to put ’em back on only to throw them back off again.
Legit, each woman has 1 pair for every f***ing day of the year. Then when 1/1 hits, time to get 365 more. High heels, flats, wedges, sandals, those god awful Gladiator monstrosities. Women don’t even dress up for men anymore, they dress up to impress each other. It’s ridiculous. Once in a while, you might catch a guy complimenting another guy’s shirt. That’s it. It’s usually followed by a hilarious homophobic statement (“get off my nuts” “buy me a drink first” “fashion week’s over, bro”). A girlfriend told me her phone was blowing up with texts from friends about what she was wearing to brunch…. BRUNCH!?!?! Who gives a sh*t? Which leads me to my next item on the list…
6. BRUNCH / TAPAS / DINING OUT
Men rarely congregate to eat in groups or with each other one on one. If my buddy and I go out to dinner, people assume we’re gay. Yet, I get off the bus on a f***ing random Tuesday night, and I’ll see table after table after table of girls eating with other girls. Hey, I don’t mind dining out if the situation calls for it – bachelor party, reunion, bachelor party – but why go out and tip some pissed off server 20-25% on already overpriced, small-portioned meals when you guys could probably bond over making a meal at a friend’s apartment? You wonder why your damn credit card is maxed out. The dining experience that boggles my mind the most? Brunch and tapas. I kind of, sort of get the appeal of brunch. Unlimited mimosas and blo-mos is pretty rad, but I don’t know a single women who doesn’t brunch EVERY F***ING WEEK. And tapas? The worst. I’ve done it once and I’ll never do it again. I order $12 empanadas thinking I’ll get 4-6 decent items out of it and I got 2. F***ING 2?! Did you fly in the empanada maker from Mexico specifically for our meal?
My point is … why do girls LOVE SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY!? Like they can’t get rid of it fast enough. Just stuff in general. I blame Madonna for making “Material Girl”. Stuff doesn’t make you happy, ladies. My weiner does. (I guarantee women will huff over that last comment. Proof once again you girls have no idea what “sense of humor” means)
7. LACK OF RATIONALE / WARPED LOGIC
This one could be the worst. And part of me thinks it circles back to women reading too much into things. Never ask a women, “Why?” You’ll get the most convoluted, twisted, roundabout answer or a simple one-liner that makes sense to her in her own head but will completely fry your mainframe. My best advice? Don’t try to understand women… I know, kind of defeats the purpose of this column, but the less you try to figure them out, the less stressed you’ll be. Just smile, nod, and ask a lot of questions. Caruso in Jade. Never fails.
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