Duke Nukem (Took) Forever = The Chinese Democracy of Video Games [REVIEW]

If you’ve been on the Internet, you probably noticed that Duke Nukem Forever has been taking some serious abuse. COED received a copy to test out. I was obviously more than a little worried after seeing the earlier reviews, but I must say I was pleasantly surprised. As a kid I grew up playing old Duke Nukem games on my PC so I was really excited to see the next direction the franchise was going to take with this game.

Duke Nukem Forever starts out great, like no other game I’ve ever played. After the intro video, the game begins and all you see on your screen is a first person view of a urinal. Your first task in the game as Duke Nukem is to pee… for a really long time. Only after this race-horse of a piss do you find out that the world is in some serious trouble. Yes, Duke’s saved the planet a few times before, but this time he has direct orders from the President not to attack the aliens. I’m fairly sure that even Jesus Christ’s orders wouldn’t have stopped Duke from disobeying once the aliens started attacking his Vegas mansion and casino. Actually, I’m 100% positive that Duke wouldn’t have ever listened to Jesus.

The main story of the game is really simple. Aliens invade earth. This time, they take over the Hoover Dam and use the generators to power a portal to their “world”. These portals are jacking the women of the world, including two of his ‘goddesses.’ Duke isn’t having any of that noise. As you battle through levels, endless hoards of aliens and some pretty crazy looking bosses your quest is to destroy the portal. Sounds pretty cool, right? Sounds like a Duke Nukem type story, right? Because that is what it is! People and reviewers were taking this game too seriously and not looking at it for what it was: a fun, inappropriate Duke Nukem adventure.

The gameplay is not as bad as it was getting portrayed as. Yes, it did get a bit repetitive at times and there was a lot of walking around. Neither of these made the game unplayable by any means. A real high note was how you were able to interact with almost everything in the levels. Sometimes it was pointless, like turning the faucet on or opening a cabinet, but sometimes it was really funny and even increased Duke’s ego (your health in the game). Clicking on computers pulls up nudie pictures (and not COED, fortunately), you can admire yourself in the mirror, or even slap “wall-boobs” inside the aliens hive. Oh yeah, and there is a glory hole…enough said.

Especially sweet was the inclusion of our favorite things: beer and steroids! You drink the beer to give you added strength. Be careful, though, because you get the blurred drunk vision. If you want to increase the power of your melee attacks, pop some steroids. When you do that you pack a serious punch and can knock aliens out with a mere one or two punches. It should be noted that these two things have the same effect in real life too.

The criticism towards Duke Nukem Forever is unwarranted. People need to remember that this is a video game that is not at all based on reality (except the booze and ‘roids). Duke’s extremely crude, inappropriate, violent and offensive but that’s just who he is! No, the graphics are nothing special, but they aren’t bad enough to take away from the enjoyment of the game.

I will end the review with a quote from one of the soldiers to his partner in the beginning of the game, “You don’t say ‘We’re gonna cause some damage’ around Duke Nukem. You say ‘We’re gonna bust some balls’ or ‘Tear some sh*t up’ or something like that.” Stop busting the game’s balls, give Duke Nukem Forever a try, and tear some sh*t up. Preach.



3 thoughts on “Duke Nukem (Took) Forever = The Chinese Democracy of Video Games [REVIEW]”

  1. That is the worst review I have read in quite some time.

    It's not based on reality? Oh really? I didn't notice.

  2. I got the game the day it came out and, while I'm not saying it's a $60 dollar game (It would have been better as, say, a $30 XBLA download in my opinion), this review is pretty much exactly how I would sum it up.
    Duke always was, and should always be, a tongue in cheek game that doesn't take itself to seriously. For me at least, this game is almost exactly what I remember from my younger days of playing Duke Nukem, only with, you know, better graphics. Besides, the sheer amount of in-jokes, puns and just plain stupid gags are hilarious! Who couldn't help but to laugh at the inception top spinning on the desk in the strip club office?

  3. Duke ! Good review. To warm up before the game watch a few episodes of American Gladiators, visit a Gentlemens Club, grab a six pack and catching up on the movie Predator. Will set the mood.

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