5 Telltale Signs You’re Getting Laid Tonight

Dating. It means different things to different people. There’s traditional type dating (or courting as my 82 year-old grandmother calls it) and then there’s the more modern version of it — maybe a couple of dinners but mostly hanging at a bar/someone’s house until the good stuff happens. But no matter what school of thought you belong to in terms of dating, the signs that things are going good/bad remain constant. You don’t need to be an expert to figure them out. You just need to have two eyes and second grade common sense. Here’s a refresher course.

5. Little to no awkward pauses

“Good personality” is a long accepted code for not too good of a looker. I find that corollary pretty hilarious but it doesn’t change the fact that in order for you to continue being interested in someone, they have to come off as, wait for it, INTERESTING. Long pauses don’t usually lead the way to that. Pauses are painful and they give too much time to dig around in your own head. That’s bad news, folks. The only prolonged silence that is acceptable in a date is you listening to your partner or vice versa. But if the quiet outweighs the chatter, then you have a problem. At the very least, start talking about your pet. Even if you don’t have one. Unless you’re dead inside, everyone loves a pet story.

4. Consistent phone silencing

This goes hand in hand with the whole being interesting thing. If you got your date sitting on the edge of their seat, phone calls, texts and all of that jazz get set aside. Playing too much with your phone is usually the first sign that you’re losing someone. And that goes for anything from dates to large lecture halls. Unless they are dealing with a matter of the utmost urgency, a good date has minimal mobile phone interruption. But not now. If you can keep the eyes manual and not mobile, consider yourself on the right path.

3. Flex scheduling

Stay with me on this one. The meal is winding down or the bar is nearing last call. Then the question comes up: What are you doing now? This convo can go one of two ways:

Option 1 –
Your date: I have to… wash my hair/get up early for work/pick up my friend/charge the batteries in my vibrator or check my favorite porn site for updates.

Option 2 – Your date: Uh nothing now…(run hand through hair/fumble in your pockets) wanna do something?

Now, I obviously shouldn’t have to spell out which reaction you should shoot for. In big person land, this is what we call “a night-cap” or “after bars” or “being in there like swim wear”. Basically, you made a decent enough impression where your companion doesn’t think of you as a deplorable douche faucet. So you have that to improve on. At this point you are, as my friend likes to say, “playing with house money”. I’m pretty sure that’s what he means by it, anyway.

2. Mind the malt level

If you have somehow made it past the crucial third sign, it’s time to keep your head on a swivel. It’s all about reading signs and how hard someone boozes is something that should not be disregarded. Believe it or not, people sometimes slam drinks in order to ease awkwardness (who knew?!). Anywho, if the beverage is getting nursed, that means that things are either going so-so or swimmingly. If you’re into someone, what’s the fun of being the heaping pile of drunk sauce if you’re alone? That’s right. It’s not fun. At least in my experience, it’s the exact opposite of fun (someone look up that word for me). So plan, or in this case, drink accordingly.

1. “Wanna bang?”

Being tactful and incisive is all well and good but nothing beats not beating around the bush. The way you take this really depends on the way you see the world. If you feel that life is a “marathon and not a sprint”, “patience is a virtue” and “good things come to those who wait” then you, obviously, buy into clich├ęs and probably need to engage in more original thoughts like “s&*% happens when you party naked.” For the rest of us, a generation who puts a lot of stock in instant gratification, this question is great. You know where you stand. Clearly if the night takes this turn, you did something right with someone who knows what they want. Or you’ve just shared an evening with someone that clearly has no sense of self-worth. I call that a win-win situation.


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