An Open Letter to Women About Goin’ Down [HE SAID/SHE SAID]

I think I safely speak for most guys when I say that a girl who listens to David Blowie is a girl you wanna keep around, if you know what I mean. However, just because a girl is willing to blow you doesn’t mean you’re home free. Fact of the matter is that the only thing worse than a girl who “doesn’t do blowjobs” is a girl who does but has no fucking idea what she’s doing. Look: if I wanted to waste a half hour of my life and feel completely unsatisfied, I’d watch Ridiculousness on MTV. Simply put, ladies, there are a few simple things to keep in your head while you’re giving head. [lead image via mangostock / Shutterstock]

  1. Check your teeth at the door. There’s no worse feeling than a girl raking her chompers up and down your shaft. Maybe jerking off with sandpaper would be worse, but seriously: don’t bite my dick. Don’t drag your teeth along it. It’s not hot. It’s not sexy. Stop it. No.
  2. There’s more than just the tip to work with, so don’t get distracted.  Now I’m not saying to go all Heather Brooke, if you’re not capable of that. (If you don’t know Heather Brooke, google her. It’s impressive.). But working only on the top floor means you’re neglecting a large portion of the building that needs just as much attention paid to it. Wash the sides, start at the bottom, and work your way up to the penthouse. I promise all that work will be appreciated.
  3. It’s not soccer: hands are allowed. I think the most underutilized tool in a girl’s BJ arsenal is her hands. I understand not every girl can turn off their gag reflex, so if you can’t take all I’m working with, then I have no problem with you using a hand or two while down there. Granted, make sure it’s sufficiently wet before this happens, or else you’ll be bringing us back to the bad old days of what we call Dry Hand Hell. If a girl can multitask when it comes to the hand and mouth working in unison, then that leads to a mindblowing blow.
  4. Punch your own weight class: don’t porn it out if you’re not down with that. Everyone has a part of them that wants a sloppy, porn-esque beej at least once in their lif. If anyone says otherwise, they’re either lying or religious. With that said, the last thing I want is a girl to be doing something she’s not comfortable with when it comes to my unit. If you can’t take it down your throat, don’t try and force yourself because you think it will be hot. A big attempt might be hot for a second,but that’s undone with you almost throwing up on me. And if that happens, there could be tears. Then it gets all weird and the guy immediately feels bad and the night ends awkwardly. There’s a reason there are weight classes in boxing: so people don’t get in over their heads. Don’t get in over yours while giving head.
  5. Don’t know if something is working for me? Ask. Seriously. “Do you like that?” doesn’t just have to be sexy talk. If something’s not working for me, I’ll let you know as long as you take the suggestions. Think of it like you’re playing jazz: you have the start and you have the end of the song planned out. In the middle, you play off the other people, adjust on the fly, and see where it takes you. Play it by ear, and you’re sure to make sweet music with your partner.

Trust me on this, women: follow these tips (but not just the tip) and you’ll have your guy’s full… attention. Maybe he’ll even return the favor.

Until next time, party so hard you get deported from Ireland with your former Italian roommate, a Brit, and a sexy blonde Canadian wingwoman.


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