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RATING: 1.5 stars (out of 4)
Hollywood has come to the point that anything and everything qualifies as an idea for a movie, including worn-out hashtag memes. So until we get a Grumpy Cat or Sorry Not Sorry movies, we are stuck with That Awkward Moment.
Framed as a romantic comedy from the perspective of dudes, the movie quickly takes you to #thatawkwardmoment when you realize all the dudes in the movie think, talk and act like women, or maybe the way women imagine men think, talk and act when they’re not around.
The Three Douchemigos would have been a more appropriate title. Jason (Zac Efron), Daniel (Miles Teller, whose mom was most likely banged by John Cusack, his illegitimate father) and Mikey (Michael B. Jordan) are all mid-20s NYC dudes you’d give anything to punch in the face. They’ve got awesome jobs, huge apartments, striped shirts no concerns other than deciding which of their “rosters” of ludicrously hot women they’ll choose to sex up on a given night.
Showing solidarity with Mikey in his impending divorce, Jason and Janiel make a douchebropact to stay single as long as possible. Which may or may not be exactly 94 minutes. They spend all their time obsessing and gabbing like giggly Babysitters Club girls about the opposite sex. There are real people like this out there, for sure. Too many, and none are punched in the face nearly enough. Sex comes so easy to them that they hardly even think about it, much less spend all their time talking about girls like they’re playing Hearthrob: The Dream Date Game.
But since this is supposed to be a guy’s romantic comedy — which isn’t as much of an oxymoron as it seems, given the existence of Swingers and (500) Days of Summer — the douchemigos put on minimal airs of doing guy stuff. For instance, they play video games together, albeit while talking about girls. But for any reasonably dude-like activity they attempt, they do about 12 head-scratching things that just don’t seem right. Take a scene in which one of them accidentally turns his junk orange. He immediately whips it out to show everyone, then leaves it out as his buddies start breaking his orange-colored balls over its appearance.
It’s a rule of manhood that if there’s ever anything awry with one’s junk, that problem is ignored and hidden as long as possible. It’s not spoken of, much less visually exposed for ridicule. Another problematic scene has one of the dudes call the other right after both have had sex, discussing proper ways to relieve themselves while still erect. While dudes do indeed talk on the phone constantly while peeing, phone calls, especially to other dudes, are the last thing on their minds at that point. Anything that requires more effort than either falling asleep or hightailing it out of the girl’s apartment is way off the radar.
If the movie was consistently funny it would be easier to overlook how inauthentic it is. But true to the title, the movie’s moments are more awkward than humorous. It’s also an incredibly dull movie without any suspense, because each of the douchemigos immediately hooks up with the girl who will tame them, then spend the whole movie screwing up the relationships and pining for their Disney Princess-style True Love’s Kiss.
If you feel like watching this crap, hunt for Sex and the City reruns to settle your fix. They are pretty much the same thing as this movie.
Starring Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller and Imogen Poots. Written and directed by Tom Gornican. Rated R. 94 minutes.