An unnamed 45-year-old woman from Sheffield Lake, Ohio learned the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished. The snake enthusiast already owned nine ball pythons when she decided to rescue two boa constrictors on Wednesday. The very next day, a 5-foot-6-inch boa constrictor showed their appreciation for the new digs by attacking her face.
Via Fox News, she called 911 and a firefighter saved her in gruesome fashion.
“I have a boa constrictor stuck to my face,” the woman yelled.
“Ma’am you have what?” the 911 dispatcher asked.
“Boa constrictor,” the woman repeated. “Please hurry. He’s biting my nose.”
“I’ve never heard of this before,” the dispatcher was heard saying.
Rescuers arrived within minutes and found the woman lying in the bloodied driveway of her home, the snake holding tight just as she described. A firefighter had to cut the snake’s head with a pocket knife in order to release the woman from its grasp. The woman, who was not identified, was transported to the hospital for treatment. She suffered non-life-threatening injuries.
That sounds like the definition of hell. I can’t imagine how painful and terrifying that ordeal must have been. But hey, that’s what you get for bringing a goddamn killing machine into your home. It’s like inviting Michael Myers over for a sleepover, then being surprised that he stabbed your ass. You reap what you sow, and if she didn’t want to end up like that four-eyed scumbag from Road Trip, she shouldn’t have gotten involved in the snake rescue game in the first place.